Rachel Paige
December 17, 2014 6:58 am

There’s a new Christmas song in town, and it’s set to the tune of “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” You’ve by now heard that song half a million times, since it’s a holiday time staple. But, have you really listened to the words before? “There’s bound to be talk tomorrow/Making my life long sorrow/At least there will be plenty implied/If you caught pneumonia and died.” Those are just some of the odd lyrics to the classic holiday song. There’s also a lot of talk of leaving on the woman’s part of the duet, while the man says stuff like, “Man, your lips look so delicious.” It’s kinda weird, to say the least. Which is why everyone’s pretty psyched about the new, hilarious feminist version of the ditty going viral. This time around, the girl declares that she really can’t stay, and then she orders an Uber car and is on her way. Much better.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” isn’t the only culprit of peculiar Christmas tunes. There are LOTS of them that you’ve probably been singing along to this whole time, blissfully unaware of the actual lyrics. Take a look at these well-known Christmas lyrics, and then spend a few seconds mulling over their deeper meaning.

“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

She’d been drinking too much egg nog,

And we’d begged her not to go.

But she forgot her medication,

And she staggered out the door into the snow.

Basically, the family is politely trying to say that Grandma was totally drunk when she came in contact with Santa’s sleigh. The family also discusses what they should do with departed Grandma’s presents. Should they open them up, or return them? (It’s an unanimous vote from the family to “send them back!”)

“Santa Baby

Think of all the fun I’ve missed

Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed

Next year I could be just as good. . .

if you’d check off my Christmas list

“Santa Baby” is just one long sexual innuendo. It’s also a list of reasons why a woman’s been “good” for not hooking up with other people besides Santa. Oy. Whenever you need an oversexualized Christmas song, this is the go-to choice. I also think “hurry down the chimney tonight” is one of the weirdest sentences to ever be sung.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus

Underneath his beard so snowy white.

Oh, what a laugh it would have been,

If Daddy had only seen

The weird thing about this song is that as soon as you grow up, you make the connection that dad is actually Santa so it’s not too weird that Mommy is kissing him. . . right? Are we all positive that dad is playing Santa in this scenario? Also, how weird is it that this little child has climbed out of bed to spy on his parents downstairs?

“It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas”

A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots

Is the wish of Barney and Ben;

Dolls that will talk and will go for a walk

Is the hope of Janice and Jen;

And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again

There is a moment in December where it does begin to look a lot like Christmas. The song explains that transitional process, and then lists off the most cliched presents for little kids. Not all little girls want dolls that talk and walk for Christmas, Santa. And maybe don’t get tiny little boys pistols, mmmkay?

“Santa Clause is Watching You”

Well you may thing you can sneak around

And get away with something but there ain’t no way

‘Cause Santa’s no fool, he’s really super cool

He’s the secret head of the CIA

It kind of sounds like this song samples a little bit of the Benny Hill theme, so it comes across as happy and cheerful, but actually it’s a recipe for paranoia. “He’s everywhere! He’s everywhere!” The song ends with, “Where’s Rudolph / He’s on a stakeout at your house.” No thanks.

Image via here.

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