Top 5 De-Friendable Worthy Status Updates
In a world where social media plays such a huge role in our everyday lives, a new epidemic is sweeping the nation and professionals are worried that there is little we can do to control it. I’m talking about a condition called O.A.S.U or Overactive Status Updater.
These people cannot be stopped.
Everybody knows that our Facebook or Twitter status updates are completely strategic. Facebook knows our egos, our insecurities and when we are in need of a little attention. People just LOVE to update and air their dirty laundry out or let the world know how good/bad they’re doing. But I’m here to let y’all know that this needs to be stopped. It’s unacceptable. Get a grip on reality people, and for God’s sake buy a Lisa Frank unicorn covered diary like a normal fourteen year old girl would and let it rip. Privately. Because while these statuses provide a comedian like me with comedy gold, they are also totally getting on my and everyone else’s nerves.
Here are the top 5 status updates that are a defriendable/un-followable offense:
1. The “my boyfriend/girlfriend is the best boyfriend/girlfriend in the whole world” status
Everybody knows one of these. Picture albums are posted every hour or so about your “big romantic trip to the zoo after a 4-mile hike to the top of a mountain to watch the sunset and eat chocolate covered strawberries that they hand dipped for you in rare Mexican chocolate.” Their walls are filled with posts every day from their beau saying how much they are so in love and the luckiest person in the world to have found such a soul mate. Status updates like “AWWW my baby just made me a home cooked meal and brought me cough drops when I was sick in bed and then bought a star in the sky and named it after me in hopes that my cold would go away soon” appear weekly. Not that I’m not happy for you and your “baby” but keep it to yourself. If you have a genuinely happy relationship, there’s no need to plaster it all over Facebook to prove to others that things are so great. It seems disingenuous. After all, wouldn’t you two love freaks rather be gazing into each others eyes over a plate of pasta ala Lady and the Tramp, then be wasting precious time status updating?
Which quickly brings me to status updater #2
2. My “boyfriend/girlfriend and I just broke up and I am so miserable/doing SOOOOOOOO great, really” status
This one is my favorite, and one that is particularly near and dear to my heart. Break-ups are tough. We all know it. But breaking up over Facebook is completely unnecessary. No one needs to publicly know that you’re “completely devastated and miserable and just wish he would call.” He won’t. Not after reading that desperate sh**. And no one needs to publicly read your song lyrics to “Endless Love” or about how you “thought she was the one for you and your life just feels like a lie now.” It’s not. Just pump the brakes, take a step back and get off of the Internet. If you just got dumped, shouldn’t you be out at the bar trying to bag chicks/dudes anyway?
On the other hand, nothing and I mean nothing is more pathetic and obvious than when a recently single friend posts about having the “greatest night of their life at da club. WOW 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 .” Or how “they’re sooo into this new guy/girl” or “can’t wait to go on that big date tonight, never felt like this before!!!” We know what you’re doing. And it’s not working. Not only is this not making your ex jealous, but it’s so transparent and sad that they are probably feeling much better about dodging the pitiful bullet that is you. Stuff your face with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, cry yourself to sleep every night in the fetal position, watch sappy love movies, but don’t and I mean don’t update about it until you get a grip on life, you chump!
3. The “here is a list of everything I have to do today even though my life is totally mundane” status
This status doesn’t need an explanation. But for those who think that we are all sitting around our computers with Google Alerts on to check to see if you are “going to the grocery store, followed by a 4k run, gotta mail my tax return, long day at work-majorly need coffee, phew exhausted, can’t wait for Boardwalk Empire, ready for the weekend- lots to do,” we’re not. So stop. Facebook isn’t your Palm Pilot or your Filofax (Hello, 1996).
4. The “today is the worst day ever and my life just sucks” status
This one’s for you, attention addicts! You got stuck in crazy traffic today because it was raining, so you update how pissed you are from the highway. You were behind a really slow and picky guy at the counter at Starbucks, so while you were waiting for your skim milk, you update about how pissed you are that some people can’t make up their mind in the dairy department. You just got a new shirt and then spilled a microscopic drop of Diet Coke on it and you’re about to go Tasmanian Devil ape-sh**. Anything and everything that makes you mad is status-worthy. Your statuses spew venom and they’re usually over the most insignificant and everyday things. “Well, I guess I’m staying 15 minutes late at work tonight because my boss is an a**hole. Great, JUST GREAT.” The more worked up you get, the more we find your statuses laughable. Some things are better left kept to yourself. Like the 20 minutes you had to wait with your feet in the stirrups at the gyno today. Check please!
AND speaking of check, it wouldn’t hurt to check yourself into an anger management meeting or two.
5. The “passive aggressive I’m over your drama and have no time for haters” status
Shout out to these people who would cut you at the drop of a hat. The are people who are obsessed with claiming they have no time for drama and can’t stand the haters. You ARE the drama. Your statements are often uneducated and violent and often sound confusable with an Eminem song. It seems that their morals and life lessons were learned from MTV. And they’re always so passive aggressive, never really saying who it is that they wanna kill. “It’s funny to learn who your real friends are after 18 years of friendship. You disgust me. I’m over your drama and you two deserve each other!!!” Hmmm…I’m pretty sure that narrows it down tremendously between your friends of 18 years and then further to the one who just started a relationship with someone you used to date. But that’s okay because you definitely don’t seem to have time for the drama. You’re too busy updating about it that how could you possibly find time to be a part of it.
So please if there is one piece of advice you can take from me and all of America, it’s that when it comes to social media, LESS IS MORE. So step away from the computer and try coexisting in society. I promise you it won’t be that bad.
Amy Ansalone is an NBA and comedy writer from New York, and who has also trained in improv at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. You can follow her on Twitter @a_ansalone or her blog wcheeseplease.tumblr.com Oh yeah, and if she looks familiar to you, you may have seen her as a contestant on Wheel of Fortune.
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