Kit Steinkellner
November 10, 2014 6:10 am

“The truth shall set you free,” said some Nosy McNoserton who just wanted to know all your weird and embarrassing secrets. Still, there’s something to be said re: coming clean on those things we think we’ll be judged hardcore about. Because the real truth is, whatever secret you’re sitting on, you’re probably not sitting on it alone. Below a list of small (and medium-sized things) that we all do that NONE of us want to admit to.

1.) Getting So Low On Laundry You End Up Using A Bathing Suit As Underwear

Or getting even lower on underwear and using, um, nothing as underwear. You guys, laundry just piles up and there’s never enough quarters and you have to make sure you take it out of the machine RIGHT AWAY or the neighbors will leave a passive-aggressive note in the laundry room, it’s just a whole thing. Another version of this is “You just keep buying new underwear just so you won’t have to do your laundry.”

2.) Stalking People On Social Media

I’m the straight-up Nancy Drew of Facebook. I’m a hardcore snoop. Nothing drives me crazier than an Instagram set to “private.” I feel a little bad social-media stalking because I know that it’s weird and that there are better uses of my time, but I also know everyone else does it.

3.) Eating Gross Leftovers For Breakfast

Look, I get that I’m supposed to have egg whites and granola parfaits or whatever for brekkie. But if there’s old pizza in the fridge, I am eating that old pizza! Same goes for old pad thai/old enchiladas/old everything/I’m the worst.

4.)Messing Up On Personal Hygiene

You run out of floss and you just forget to go out and buy some…for a year. You got up late and you didn’t take a shower and now it’s mid-afternoon and you are FEELING it. It’s awesome if you are A+++ on your personal grooming every day of the week. But if you f— up here and there, you are not alone, my gross and dirty lovies, you are not alone.

5.) Lying To Get Out Of Doing Stuff

People must think my car breaks down while I’m stuck at home with the flu while I’m taking my dog to the vet like, ALL THE TIME. I’m usually doing none of these things. I’m usually just feeling a little bit agoraphobic and wanting to stay home with Netflix. I’m sorry. Forgive me my fake dead car batteries, and I’ll forgive you yours.

6) Pretending You Have An Awesome Life On Facebook

Well, you DO have an awesome life. You’re not pretending. But when genuinely sucky things happen, maybe you don’t talk about said suck publicly. Because who wants to be a sad sack on social media! But the problem is, when we all omit the fact that we have problems on Facebook, we end up only seeing the pretty, shiny parts of other people’s lives and we end up thinking that our lives are the only ones that aren’t pretty and shiny! Untrue! Remember, somewhere, there’s someone who’s beating up on themselves because YOUR social media presence has caused them to believe that perfect lives actually exist.

(Images via, via, via, via, via and Shutterstock)

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