Have you ever seen a movie where a Token Cool Girl actress like Mila Kunis orders like, two burgers, steak, fries, and a shake and we’re supposed to believe that she eats it all? Well, the anonymous person behind the Instagram account, You Did Not Just Eat That doesn’t believe it, and she doesn’t believe people in real-life do it either. Feeling peeved by the amount of decadent-but-totally-not-eaten food posts, she decided to showcase these lies (these SOMETIMES lies, since I know many of us are fully capable of eating cookies the size of our own face) on her account, where you can scroll through very funny photos of women posing with their doughnuts and designer bikinis, cupcakes paired with gorgeous scarlet OPI nails, and plates on plates of infinite sushi.
When asked by The Cut what compelled her to expose this trend, she said: “A month ago I saw dozens of bloggers swarming a dessert table, taking pictures and spending five minutes merchandizing the sunglasses next to the macarons. Then they walked away and nothing was eaten. It was so contrived!”
Oh, Instagram, how I love–hate you. I will never leave you, because getting a peek into other people’s lives, even if that peek is just a touch insincere, is completely addictive. And it’s fun! And there’s nothing wrong with fun. But, because laughter is good, let’s laugh together at the ten most common Instagram habits most of us have, whether they’re disingenuous or completely heart-felt:
1. The life success humble-brag
I do it. You do it. We all do it. It feels good to be good at what you do and you just want the whole world to know sometimes! But does it drive me insane when I see a friend post a million pictures in a row of her new car, her new laptop, her new shoes, her new blow-out, or her new condo with the caption, “boss b*tch”? I am happy for you. And I expect you to be happy when I’m the boss b*tch, but as for now, we all need to settle down.
2. Pretty coffee
This trend reaches its climax during the holiday season when the red cups are aplenty and Starbucks’ PSLs run through our veins instead of blood. Beverages are important, and there is nothing wrong with flaunting our dependence on caffeine. Perhaps one per week will do, though.
3. Bathroom selfies
I feel like a huge part of the decision to take selfies in public restrooms in restaurants, clubs, and bars has something to do with the two cocktails we just inhaled, but what do I know. I mean, dirty mirrors and bathroom stalls aren’t very photogenic, but these are a solid indication of a successful night out, right?
4. Hashtag overload
Hashtags can be very strategic, I know. I do Twitter too, guys. But then we get into the specifics, like #someonejustcutmeoffonthefreewayandthinkstheycangetawaywithit, or #ijustateicecreamanditwasokay, it kind of defeats the purpose. I know it becomes tempting to chronicle our life in the most promotional way possible, but sometimes we should stick to the #basics.
5. Our beautiful brunches (and other meals)
I just took a picture of my Vietnamese sandwich because it was one handsome sandwich, let me tell you. Why do we take photos of our food? I have no idea, but it seems important and glorious at the time.
6. Our stupidly perfect manicures
GUILTY AS CHARGED. I got my first gel manicure the other day and I can’t stop looking and touching my nails. They’re SO SMOOTH. On the off chance if you see me or the two or three Instagrams I just posted, I’m probably holding out my hand like I’m trying to conjure magic, but I’m honestly just checking out my nails.
7. Kids doing totally normal things
Don’t hate me. I just don’t get it when parents post pictures of kids like, eating mac ‘n cheese or staring at sand. All of your children are adorable. But I still. Don’t. Get it.
8. Pets doing totally normal things
ANIMALS ARE SO NATURALLY CUTE but maybe let’s stop posting so many pictures of them napping. Okay, maybe like one per day. But not more than that.
Sunsets are a beautiful daily reminder of the tremendous, bigger-than-life natural beauty that exists in our world. I get you. You’re all sitting outside and totally in the moment and just want to express your love and gratitude to Mother Earth and her healthy glow. But also keep in mind that at least a thousand others are doing the exact same thing as you.
Celebration drinks, birthday drinks, breakup drinks, happy drinks, after-work drinks, promotion drinks, I-haven’t-seen-you-in-forever-so-this-is-awkward friend drinks, date drinks, we all drink! Except those of you who don’t, which is totally cool, too. I can drink to this Instagram trend.