There’s nothing like a ride on public transit or a visit to Costco on a Saturday to make you seriously question how you feel about humanity. In a world where we are so used to communicating digitally, real live human interaction can be completely overwhelming and endlessly irritating. Here are the top four products to help you curb sociality in social settings, because you can’t put a price on solitude…until now.
The iPod is without a doubt the most mainstream anti-people gadget, enabling you to avoid any and all human interaction while listening to your favorite tunes. Heck, you don’t even need to turn the music on, because nothing says “don’t talk to me” like those little white ear buds coupled with that surly look on your face. Brought to you the little-known company Apple, the iPod is the most socially acceptable way to ignore people and mindlessly walk into oncoming traffic. Bring your iPod with you to work, to school, on the subway, to family reunions, confession – any place where you want to shut down conversations before they have a chance to start. Apple offers a number of iPod options, such as the Shuffle, the Nano, the Touch and the Classic with prices ranging from $49 to $229 and beyond.
Substitute products: A CD player, a Walkman, a cell phone – anything that can possibly be sending noise into your eardrums.
Full Zip Face Hoodie
While the iPod is great at keeping you from having a conversation, it can’t always help you get out of one. That’s where the full zip face hoodie steps in. Experiencing a terrifying conversation lull? Disagree with the topic of discussion? Just had enough with the chit chat already? Running away or voicing your discomfort could get awkward, so do yourself a favor and zip up! Start off casually by saying that you’re cold and need to zip up your hoodie, but then just don’t stop zipping. Once you’re fully covered, everyone will assume you have disappeared and will do the same.
Prices range from $45 to about $80 for hot ticket designs (like a Batman full zip face hoodie!)
Substitute products: Sometimes the social world is so exhausting that zipping your hoodie up isn’t enough – what you need is to pass out. The Ostrich Pillow is perfect for people who are as serious about naps as they are about letting everyone know they don’t give a damn. Not a single one. Its revolutionary design allows for you to take a comfortable unsubtle power nap anytime, anywhere.
This bold choice will cost you about $100, but does double duty by terrifying your children.
But what if you like this type of ostentatious privacy but simply have too much work to do? Consider The Laptop Sock.
This innovative item isn’t on the market yet, but you can always try and knit one yourself. This is the complete and total privacy you’ve always dreamed of – no more pesky pedestrians trying to read over your shoulder, watch your movies or judge your fantasy baseball choices. And just remember, people can’t make fun of you if you can’t see them!
Gross Scented Candles
Sometimes after a long day of human interaction, all you want to do is spend a quiet night at home quietly creeping Facebook while enjoying a spoonful of peanut butter. But it only takes one knock at the door by a friend/neighbor/exorcist to ruin your time alone. How can you get them to leave without being rude? If my dog has taught me anything, it’s that an unpleasant smell is always the answer. Thanks to the folks at “Man Candles” and “Man Cans” in minutes you can fill your home with the unpleasant aroma of road kill, dirt or fart.
Vegetarian at your door? Light a rawhide, bacon, or pot-roast scented candle. Want to your uninvited guest to feel repulsed and suspicious? Light the gun powder-scented candle. The candles retail for about $9.50 (Man Cans) to $12.99 (Man Candles) to $30 for larger brands. Some brands burn for up to 120 hours! Think of all the people you can alienate!
Substitute product: Don’t have the candles on hand? Simply hard boil a few eggs. Always high in protein and low visitors! Now you have solitude and a snack.
Companion Arm Pillows
Sometimes people are most annoying when they’re sleeping – the snoring, the breathing, the occasional night terrors – if only there was a way to get all the comforts of a person without all the hassle.
Introducing The Dream Man Arm Pillow! This literal body pillow is in the shape of a man’s best features – half a torso and the left arm. This item retails for as low as $20 with your choice of a blue, white, yellow or red dress shirt. Amazing – does your real boyfriend let you pick out his clothes? Didn’t think so!
But don’t worry fellas, there’s a lady torso for you too! For only $24.99, wrap your arms around The Moshi Girlfriend Pillow: a full torso and right arm shaped pillow for your cozying comfort complete with, according to Amazon, “two round shape cushions on the surface that gives you a breast-like sensation.”
In efforts to avoid taking this article in a weird direction, my advice is not to limit these perfect companions to the bedroom – think weddings, graduations, the movies, high-five competitions. You’ll be able to go about your day with a hassle-free buddy and with the knowledge that no stranger will dare approach you.
If these products fail to get people away from you, this technique never does:
Works every time, guaranteed.