Julia Gazdag
April 13, 2013 8:00 am

Warning: This article contains adult themes and content.

Time magazine recently published an article about a study, which showed that women (who fall between 0-5 on the Kinsey scale, I assume) prefer men with big penises. What gay men are into doesn’t matter because bla bla bla heteronormative bullsh*t zzzzzzzz.

If I get a bunch of ladies in a room with some ipads full of naked Sims, can I get it funded as a study, too? Though I probably wouldn’t go with pictures of flaccid dachshunds if I’m going at this from a sexy angle. Looking through a catalogue of limp shake weights doesn’t sound all that enticing. What about the growers-not-showers? As long as the computer generated images were video, they couldn’t throw that in? How long were these videos? Were they just thirty seconds of apathetic bananagrams hovering awkwardly and questioning their pixelated existence?

Research conducted “studied how 105 young Australian women rated attractiveness in males.” So basically, what we just learned is that Australian women like big didgeridoos. Also, what kind of Australian women? Were they all white? Were they of diverse backgrounds? Who knows, let’s talk about dudes’ nerf bats more!

We have now learned that Australian women aren’t into short dudes as much as sizeable fluffernutters.

Someone alert the 14th century, perspective exists! I’m just kidding. Even the Ancient Egyptians knew about this sh*t.

But wait, there’s more:

So it’s all about the boys that grow, and yet the study stuck to dead logs. Amazing what science can teach us these days.

In the end, the study came up with following amazing conclusion:

A real breakthrough. Women care about more than just a dude’s bangers and mash! Like the rest of his body. Not featured in this study: any relevance to personality, intellect, or any kind of soul. Eff that stuff! It’s all about what kind of funcessory a man is hauling, amirite?

Guys. Lean in for a second, this is important: your Hogwarts Express is probably fine as it is. We’re really not all that caught up in how far your fruit by the foot can roll. As long as your bacon and eggs are fully cooked, we’re happy. You could be rocking a skyscraper in your pants, as long as you’re generous in bed, pick up on cues well and know what to do with your Grabthar’s Hammer, it’s all good. Women care less about your d*ck than they do about you not acting like one.

Featured Image via TeamCoco Tumblr

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