Study on Women's Ween Preferences is a Breakthrough (Not Really)

Warning: This article contains adult themes and content.

Time magazine recently published an article about a study, which showed that women (who fall between 0-5 on the Kinsey scale, I assume) prefer men with big penises. What gay men are into doesn’t matter because bla bla bla heteronormative bullsh*t zzzzzzzz.

“The researchers, including those from Monash University and Australian National University, asked the women to view life-size video clips of computer-generated images of naked men who varied in height, body shape and flaccid penis size, but not in other qualities like facial attractiveness and hair. The women gave each image a rating from 1 to 7 on total sexual attractiveness, rather than assessing individual characteristics.”

If I get a bunch of ladies in a room with some ipads full of naked Sims, can I get it funded as a study, too? Though I probably wouldn’t go with pictures of flaccid dachshunds if I’m going at this from a sexy angle. Looking through a catalogue of limp shake weights doesn’t sound all that enticing. What about the growers-not-showers? As long as the computer generated images were video, they couldn’t throw that in? How long were these videos? Were they just thirty seconds of apathetic bananagrams hovering awkwardly and questioning their pixelated existence?

Research conducted “studied how 105 young Australian women rated attractiveness in males.” So basically, what we just learned is that Australian women like big didgeridoos. Also, what kind of Australian women? Were they all white? Were they of diverse backgrounds? Who knows, let’s talk about dudes’ nerf bats more!

“…height was equally important. Shorter men with larger penises were ranked as more attractive than shorter men who were not as well endowed, but they still remained on the low end of the scale for overall appeal.”

We have now learned that Australian women aren’t into short dudes as much as sizeable fluffernutters.

“The size of a model’s member, for example, had a greater influence on attractiveness if the model were tall, since proportion may have been an important factor in how appealing the men appeared to the women. “A change in penis size has a larger effect for taller men than it does for other heights,” Mautz says. “This result could be because penis size was smaller when assessed relative to the height of a taller man,” the authors note.”

Someone alert the 14th century, perspective exists! I’m just kidding. Even the Ancient Egyptians knew about this sh*t.

But wait, there’s more:

“It turns out there may also be a threshold for the ideal size, which may also work against the vertically challenged; the study found that above about 3 in., additional enlargement in genitalia doesn’t make that much of a difference in attractiveness, regardless of a man’s height.”

So it’s all about the boys that grow, and yet the study stuck to dead logs. Amazing what science can teach us these days.

In the end, the study came up with following amazing conclusion:

“While size may matter, the findings don’t suggest that only size matters.”

A real breakthrough. Women care about more than just a dude’s bangers and mash! Like the rest of his body. Not featured in this study: any relevance to personality, intellect, or any kind of soul. Eff that stuff! It’s all about what kind of funcessory a man is hauling, amirite?

Guys. Lean in for a second, this is important: your Hogwarts Express is probably fine as it is. We’re really not all that caught up in how far your fruit by the foot can roll. As long as your bacon and eggs are fully cooked, we’re happy. You could be rocking a skyscraper in your pants, as long as you’re generous in bed, pick up on cues well and know what to do with your Grabthar’s Hammer, it’s all good. Women care less about your d*ck than they do about you not acting like one.

Featured Image via TeamCoco Tumblr

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