Steven Folkins
March 09, 2013 7:00 am

Samuel Hendrickson, an alleged college student from Indiana, posted a video on Facebook the other day that just happened to go viral and rightfully enraged the masses. The video shows Hendrickson listing reasons he would hate to be Asian and titled the video “Why I’d Hate To Be Asian (Totally Not Racist)”.

Some of the reasons he lists are surprisingly thoughtful (Totally Sarcasm):

  1. Most Asians Look Alike. He goes on to say that he doesn’t want to look like everyone else. Sorry Frank-Down-The-Street, he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings too, Samuel is just using you as an example of people he doesn’t want to look like. He just doesn’t want to look Asian, I mean unless you are Asian, then sorry Frank-Down-The-Street, he definitely does not want to look like you, but he’s (Totally Not Racist).
  2. Asian Women Are Unattractive. Samuel doesn’t want to be an Asian Man because then he would probably have to date an Asian woman and Ewww he does not find them attractive. He issues a proclamation at the end of this statement to ‘Kill Me’, but instead of murder because who wants to go to jail? Let’s just keep writing his name on the internet and rack up those hot Google searches.
  3. Sweatshops. Sweatshops are a drag and obviously they are all staffed strictly by Asians – I think it’s a law or something. Samuel you are right, Sweatshops do ‘suck’, and you know what else sucks? Work. Apparently, Samuel is really just against hard work.
  4. High Asians. No, not like really tall Asians, although he probably doesn’t like them either, but Asians that smoke pot. You want to know why he hates Asian pot smokers? I didn’t either, but Samuel Hendrickson told us why anyway: He hates their eyes. He goes on to use a (Totally Not Racist) word to describe Asian people’s eyes. This could be offensive so [disclaimer]. He calls them “double Chink eyes”, because they normally have regular “Chink Eyes” and then makes a face reenacting it. Oh, ho ho, Samuel. You are one funny guy (Totally Not Funny).
  5. Math. Samuel sucks at math. Surprised?! I’m guessing he assumes all Asian people are good at math here, but doesn’t really elaborate. Oh, well.
  6. Asian Actors. Sorry all you aspiring Asian actors you should just pack up your bags and head on back to Asia unless you want to know Kung Fu or an Asian mobster or something.
  7. Number 6. Sorry, number 7. Samuel is bad at math and also thinks being a short Asian is just the worst. I think he’s really sad about genetics here, you guys. He’s only 5’11” and want to be 6’ so he can look down all those short Asians like Godzilla.
  8. Sushi. Cause it just gross. Ew. Raw fish. Ew. And it’d be everywhere. Ew. (Totally Not Racist) use of the word Oriental. Ew, he can’t even say the word sushi.
  9. Asian Men. Samuel Hendrickson’s real fear about being an Asian man is that he would have a small penis. You know what Sam? You sure are lucky you are a white guy because all white guys have giant penises they can’t fit into tighty whities. We white guys are so lucky, right Sam?
  10. Blurred Porn. He just hates that Asian people blur their porn which kind of baffles me since he doesn’t find Asian women attractive nor does he want to be an Asian man, but is concerned about being able to see all the goodies in Asian porn? Hmmmm.

He offered up an apology on Twitter:

And later one to Facebook, but his Facebook page no longer exists:

Eventually he went back to Twitter, because of course he did:

I don’t mean to sound mean, but I’d hate to be you, Samuel Hendrickson, in a few years when a company is checking in our your social media presence when screening you for employment and they come across all of these articles. Good luck getting a job! Maybe your rap career will pan out! So, Samuel Hendrickson I’d Hate To Be You (A Totally Racist A**hole).

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