From Our Readers
April 19, 2013 2:00 am

Have you ever been trapped in an elevator? It is not fun. I would not recommend it. I especially would not recommend it if you don’t have a phone with you, are super hungover and haven’t put on deodorant yet.

When you are stuck in an elevator time moves very slowly, especially if you don’t have a time-telling device at your disposal. Have you been in this elevator for 10 minutes? 25 minutes? 36 hours? It is impossible to know. You may even buzz the emergency button for the fourth time, just to ask Kathy from JGL Elevators what time it is. You will be shocked when she says it has only been 7 minutes from the first time you called.

When you are stuck in an elevator, your ability to ‘remain calm’ is finite. As someone who is often described as ‘laid back’ you will be surprised at how quickly the situation escalated. At first, you’re all like, “Well at least I have the Sunday Times and this gallon of milk in case I get thirsty. I’m sure someone will be here soon.” This rapidly devolves into, “If I have to pee and I still haven’t been rescued and I can’t hold it anymore, should I put the Sunday Times down first?” to just sobbing on the floor in the fetal position, calling Kathy for what is surely the 13th time in the 11 hours since you were trapped in this elevator.

When you are stuck in an elevator, you may wonder where your boyfriend thinks you went, because you have been gone for approximately seven weeks at this point. You will later find out he just assumed you stopped for coffee on your way back from the bodega and was not really concerned at all. Meanwhile, you were hurling obscenities at Kathy, demanding to know when someone was going to be there to let you out of this GODDAMNED ELEVATOR.

Eventually you will no longer be stuck in an elevator. You will be rescued by a nice man who apologizes profusely as you scramble out into the hallway and sprint up the stairs back to your apartment, garbling some incoherent words of thanks as you go. You will fling open the door, look at the clock and realize you were only in there for 45 minutes.

Surely you had not gone from stable adult human being to blubbering insane person in less time than it takes to watch an episode of The Real Housewives.

But you did. And now you know never to step foot in that demon carriage again. Or at least until you have some really heavy bags or something.

Oh and thanks Karen. Sorry I got so sassy with you towards the end.

You can read more from Veronica Sepe on her blog.

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