Rachel Paige
May 18, 2016 4:34 pm
Getty/NBC

I’ve been single for far more years than I’ve been coupled off. That is a cold hard fact. Obviously no dude I’ve ever dated out there has stuck, because I currently find myself very single (not that I’m complaining). My friends, and my family, and sometimes complete strangers, often ask why I’m not in a relationship and the answer is always the same: A shrug, a weak smile, and some excuse about being too busy and there being too much Netflix to watch. The usual.

The thing is I wouldn’t be completely opposed to a relationship. The idea of it sounds nice. I just literally have no idea how relationships work anymore.

Where the hell are you supposed to meet people?

Don’t say online, because that has not worked for me at all. In my mind, the best place to meet someone is in the fiction section of a bookstore, or at least that’s what I’ve been lead to believe my entire life. IDK, it’s happened in the movies a bunch of times before, so I’ve always just assumed that there are a lot of single guys hanging around bookstores. Except that bookstores are slowly going out of business, because even I don’t want to go to a bookstore fifteen minutes down the road when I can order something online and have it delivered to my door two days later. Come on.

How are you expected to get to know someone?

Now you’ve meet someone, congrats! Now what? I assume you follow them on Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and maaaaybe friend them on Facebook if you’re extra bold. Then you stalk their images and back-and-forth conversations with friends you don’t know until you’ve convinced yourself you know enough about them to carry on a small conversation — but don’t like, let on to the fact that you’ve looked at all 600 of their Instagram pictures and can correctly identify their grandmother. That’s weird.

Dates? What?

Following that, to truly get to know someone, are you supposed to go out with them to dinner and a movie or is that like SOOOOO yesterday? Then to be honest, I’ve never been on a date that’s involved dinner and a movie. But I see that happen in the movies, too. Also don’t tell me to consider unconventional dates. I once went on a date to an indoor trampoline facility and it should have been a fun bonding experience, but really I spent most of the time terrified I was going to land weird on the trampoline and snap my neck and die, so no, it wasn’t a night to remember.

How do you do romance?

Then, okay, let’s say you’ve met someone, and you’ve stalked them in a non-creepy way and they’ve stalked you in a non-creepy way and you’re “dating” by this point, HOW DO YOU KEEP IT GOING? Because, let’s be honest with one another, who really wants to come home from a long day of work and have to talk to someone who doesn’t already know every detail of your day? I just imagine a future BF being like “What did you have for lunch today?” and I’ll snap back, “You’d know if you looked at my Instagram!”

How do you ~hang out~ with someone?

On TV I always see people just kinda strolling up to someone else’s apartment, like yeah THAT’S something that can reasonably happen. I live in apartment complex enclosed by a gate, so like, no one can just come strolling up unannounced with flowers. If they do, I need to talk to my complex about tightening security. The flipside of that is actually driving to someone’s apartment, but they might live far away, and traffic is a pain, and who always wants to travel with an overnight bag in the back of their car? All of this is too much effort.

And — the real horror — what happens if you and your bae are at different points in a TV show? How are you expected to be with someone who watches television at a different pace than you? Is that a question on Match.com, are you supposed to note how quickly you can binge 13 episodes, because I see that as being a very important trait in a human being.

What about the day you simply don’t feel like hanging out with them?

Are you allowed to admit to them that you don’t want to see them one day out of the week, or are you contractually obligated to see them and stuff? I feel like there is some sort of relationship contract like that. Like, I might want to go to the gym after work but my dude is like “let’s hang out” and I can’t be like, “Actually, I was going to go for a five mile run” because is that considered rude? I don’t know. I’d be nervous to test that out.

$$$ MONEY ???

Oh. Also. Money. How does that work in relationships now? I’m only asking because I’m a strong, independent woman and in the words of Destiny’s Child, “always fifty-fifty in relationships.” Is that a common norm, or nah? Do we take turns paying for things, or do I go into this expecting to be showered with gifts for at least two months till the magic begins to wear off and then we go to some situation like sixty-forty? I need to know, because I might need to start saving up for my next relationship.

How long do you actually “date” for? 

Finally, after two weeks, or three months, of this dating nonsense has been going on…then what? Do you just keep doing that, over and over again, ad nauseam until like, what? Looking at relationships right now, I simply do not get them. I know my views of them are completely skewed because I’ve been out of the ~dating game~ for so long. All of it just seems like so much work, and at the end of the day for me, a relationship shouldn’t be work. Well, like it should be work, but it should be EASY at the same time, when you finally meet that special someone and you instantly click and fall into step with them and realize you’ve found a life-long partner. That actually sounds pretty nice.

In conclusion, yeah, a new relationship sounds fun! But someone needs to answer these questions for me first.

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