In case you haven’t heard, SkyMall just filed for bankruptcy, and if they don’t find a buyer, the in-flight catalog could become a thing of the past. Now, I know what you’re thinking: how can we possibly live in a world without an airplane shopping catalog? What are we supposed to read during takeoff? And while the plane lands? And during the 5 and a half hour flight? And while the stewardess is explaining very important instructions? Any frequent flyer knows that SkyMall is a staple of plane travel, almost as much as the overhead “buckle your seatbelt” sign or the passenger that tries to manipulate his neighbors into handing over their pretzels. So, to honor the magazine that we all came to grew and love and never actually purchased anything from, let’s take a look at some of the company’s best worst products over the years.
1) The Human Slingshot
When SkyMall says they’ve created an “exhilarating, fast-paced game that involves four people slinging each other back and forth within a human sized stretchable band,” what they really mean is that they’ve finally discovered the fastest way for you and at least three friends to knock each other out. Perfect for children and adults looking for new forms of transportation. “I’m not taking the train today, honey. I’m taking my SLINGSHOT. Now, if you could just pull me back a few yards…”
2) Wine Shoe Holder
SkyMall gets a lot of slack for their quirky catalog items, but when it comes to this product, you have to give credit where credit is due. Why? Because SkyMall did what every mainstream company hopes to do: create a product that caters to the interests of both men and women. Shoes? Check. Wine? Check. Sports? Check. Sparkly jewels? Check check check.
3) The Upright Sleeper
SkyMall’s Upright Sleeper provides you with a thick plastic frame to secure to your face so you don’t have to lie down or lean against something to nap, like some peasant.
4) Clip-On Bangs
For those who want bangs, without all the commitment.
5) Sit Fit Exercise Device
Before the developers of this product settled on “Sit Fit,” they probably tested out a few other titles, including “Stationary Rollerblades,” “Lazy Shoes,” and “Look Mom, No Hands!” but for some reason, “Sit Fit” stuck. This device allow you to exercise without ever having to leave your chair.
6) Car Lashes and Eyeliner
What’s the point of driving around in a car that’s not really, really, ridiculously good looking? I mean, you’re going out in public. People are going to see you, with their eyes. This isn’t #NoMakeupSelfieSunday. You shouldn’t just subject people to an ugly car just because you’re not willing to spend 30 dollars. How rude.
7) The Pillow Tie
If you think there isn’t a better tie than the classic piano tie, then you’re absolutely correct. There isn’t. Piano tie always wins. But if you think there’s a tie out there that will make your 3AM nap in the airport slightly less stressful, you’re right. The Pillow Tie is an inflatable pillow disguised as a tie. Simply blow it up, sleep off your worries, then continue about your day as if you didn’t just spend a few hours wearing a pillow as a fashion accessory.
8) Box of Applause/Laughter
Who needs friends or acquaintances when you could just carry this around? SkyMall’s Box of Applause offers a round of applause and appreciation whenever you want. Make a joke, crack open the box, and hear the crowd go wild. Who said money couldn’t buy happiness?
9) Baby Bottle Kountry Krystal
Once upon a time, a child, thinking his father’s teleportation prototype was a toy, tossed a wine glass, a baby bottle, and a mason jar into the same container, hoping the glass would melt together and produce a giant glass soldier for him to play with. To his dismay, this product came out instead. That’s the only logical explanation I can see for why this item exists. Someone offer me a better one. I dare you.
10) Desk Mini-Vacuum Cleaner
Are you tired of heaving your heavy vacuum cleaner onto your desk to tidy up? Try this mini desk vacuum. Not only will you have a cleaner desk, but you could try to convince people that your full-sized Roomba had a baby.
Meant to help reduce signs of aging, the FaceTrainer “trains your face” to look healthier. According to the reviews, it actually seems pretty effective. One man wrote: “I wore this for two months and it worked great! My face can do a lot of fun tricks. However, half of it only wants to play dead. Does anyone else smell something burning?” How fun!
12) Underwater Cell Phone
“Mom! I found Atlantis! Elvis lives here! They say the whole place is going to self-destruct in two-minutes so I had to call you!” This is literally the only reason you would ever need an underwater cell phone.
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