Kenya Foy
June 20, 2017 10:21 am
Alisa Anton / Unsplash

Congratulations on finding someone who loves you unconditionally and provides support like no other. People like that are really rare and…wait, what? Your significant other isn’t an actual person, you say? Ahhh, we see: You’re in love with your bed. While that’s an unusual romantic route, who are we to doubt that your sweet sleeping spot has given you enough reason to know it’s actually true love?

One sign that you’re deep in bed love: You’re constantly suppressing the urge to yawn. Meanwhile, staying in bed all day is the only thing you want to do these days, and we’re quietly wondering whether you’ve assigned a pet name to your bed and when you’re taking Bed-y to meet the folks.

It was love at first nap, and the signs that you two are in this thing for the long haul are absolutely undeniable:

1Getting you to leave your bed is a full-on battle.

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For many, there are legitimate reasons behind the resistance to concede to a pesky alarm and get the hell out of bed each morning, such as depression, a deep-seated resentment for a job, not being a morning person…the list goes on. But for you in particular, the bottom line is that you are so smitten with your bed that savoring every bit of comfort it provides comes before any and everything else.

2You practically live in your bed — and it shows.

Before snuggling up to a nice, warm body (pillow), you have to shuffle around that stack of papers and your laptop, the empty dinner plate, the half-full water bottle you sipped from (yesterday?), and the pile of clean laundry.

3You rarely fall asleep on the couch because, BED.

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This could be us on the couch, but ya know, the bed is way roomier, allows for non-stop tossing and turning without risk of rolling onto the floor, and doesn’t leave us with a stiff neck in the morning. No contest who has our heart.

4You flatly refuse to share your bed.

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This is non-negotiable: You don’t allow anyone else in your bed, not even your mom who flew all the way across the country to visit, or your dog that *really* wants some cuddle-and-belly rub time. Exceptions are sometimes made for people you’re sleeping with, but you honestly hope they know how lucky they are.

5Your bed has seen you at your best — and your worst.

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And fully accepts you in either form.

6 After all these years together, you still get giddy with excitement over the thought of bedtime.

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In fact, bedtime is the guaranteed highlight of every single day of your life.

7You’ve said, “To hell with humans,” because your bed is a far better partner.

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There’s no need for a formal proposal, a ring, or a wedding. The connection between you and your bed is unspoken and deeper than any love you’ve ever known.

8You can’t take your bed out in public, but it’s ALL you talk about.

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Not that you’ve noticed, but your friends feel neglected and unheard because you continually interrupt their tales of workplace woes, relationship issues, and weekend plans with starry-eyed stories about the close bond you and your bed share and all the great shit you did together last weekend.

9You’ve passed up tempting invites to stay in bed.

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Tickets to a movie premiere? Invites to a fancy schmancy restaurant? Your (human) crush finally asked you out? Um, thanks but no thanks because your bed really needs you right now.

10You can’t stop thinking about your bed when you’re away from it.

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What’s that? Oh, we understand. You couldn’t hear us over the soft, wispy sound of a plush pillow top beckoning you home.

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