Jill Kushner
May 15, 2012 5:59 am

Up until last Thursday, a 4 year-old in Pittsburgh had four overdue library books at her house. Now they’re back at the library where they belong. Because the police went to her house. Katelyn Jageman (the shady 4-year-old) had four books that were due to be returned to the library back on October 19, 2011. That’s pretty overdue. Oh, Klepto Katelyn. What are we gonna do with you? I know. Send the fuzz to your crib. Maybe surround the place and go in hot. Very “EVERYBODY GET DOWN!!! KATELYN JAGEMAN, COME OUT WITH YOUR HAND’S UP … AND HOLDING SLEEPING BEAUTY, CORDUROY’S HALLOWEEN, DORA THE EXPLORER: THE HALLOWEEN CAT AND I SEE MOON!” Likely, I watch too much Law & Order: SVU, but I’m really not sure how else this could play out.

The President of the library (in the Pittsburgh area) said that, “It’s a rare incident, but it does occur.” She also said that she’s sent the same police to her own children’s bedrooms to rough them up a little bit when they don’t clean their rooms. Okay, fine. I made that part up. Apparently, several attempts were made to retrieve the books (I’m assuming the old fashioned way: emails, calls, letters … all sans police escort. Yawn. So boring.) and eventually the case was turned over to the police. When they went to this young hard criminal’s house, it was a courtesy call. No cuffs. No interrogation room. I guess this means they definitely didn’t do that thing where they eat burgers and fries in front of her making them look so delicious … telling her she can have some if she talks. And then she agrees to talk and starts shoving burgers and fries in her mouth. Look, my point is, I know how these things work.

Alas, Katelyn (aka Five-Finger Katelyn, aka Katelyn The Cheat, aka Katelyn The Devil) is in the clear (until her next heist) as her mom returned the four books, apologized to the library and paid the fine on Thursday. Katelyn stood beside her mom as she did and told the police, “I can wipe myself.” No, she didn’t. That was me taking liberties, again. But in a perfect world, that’s what would have happened. Only God knows why it didn’t play out like that on Thursday.

You’re probably wondering how much one owes for having four library books out over a 204 day period? That’d be $81.60. I hope Katelyn learned an important lesson about responsibility this past week. It’s hard to tell, though. She has such a poker face. Well, she has three faces. Laughing, crying or making that face you make when you drink a juice box. So, I’m not sure we’ll ever know if Katelyn will straighten out and become a respectable citizen.

Anyway, between you and me, I heard Katelyn has the Hope Diamond.

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