Piper Weiss
April 30, 2015 6:51 am

Before sex-ed class, and way before I experienced real human-to-human contact, I learned the fine art of making love from movies. I’ll admit I had a little too much access to HBO as a kid, and I knew when to really pay attention. Thanks to dimly-lit ’80s movie bedroom scenes and romantic tropes that happened in every Cher flick of the time, I felt I had a handle on this whole sex thing. Had you asked me as a child to describe the act of sex, I’d give you a step-by-step breakdown that pretty much looked like this:

Step 1: Slip into something more comfortable. Preferably an acrylic-satin blend slip that you keep handy in your bathroom. Now stand in front of a fan.

Step 2: Sit on the bed…and stare at the other person for a little bit.

Step 3: Read. Maybe your hands are dry and you’d like to put on some hand lotion before you get into bed, but definitely, once you’re both in bed, pull out a hardcover non-fiction book, or a magazine clipping you’ve been meaning to catch up on.

Step 4: Turn off that one tiny lamp that lights the entire room. Then turn away from your partner and wait.

Step 5: Suddenly, everything turns into slow-motion. Move like you would if you fell into in a vat of maple syrup. That’s reeeeeaaaal slow, got it?  

Step 6: Prepare to have your belly button played with. Be cool about it. 

Step 7: The most important part! Line up your feet so that they’re stacked underneath your partner’s feet. Like so.

Step 8: Listen to the theme song from Top Gun. Make sure it’s really, really dark and place your faces so they’re just inches apart. Now hold that position right there for a really long time, or at least until the song ends.

Step 9: Get a phone call. Act really frustrated, even though it’s kind of an important call.

Step 10: Run your fingers through chest hair. This is mandatory. 

Step 11: Now cover your body with a bed-sheet even though you were just naked with your partner. Walk to the window. You need to look at the moon for a few minutes.

Step 12: Once your partner has fallen asleep, put your lady-business suit back on over your slip. Clip on your earrings, slip your feet into your pumps—all very quietly so as not to wake your partner. And then do the right thing: write a polite thank you note.

So that’s sex for you. It’s pretty simple, really.

(Images via YouTube)

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