Bethany Biron
June 04, 2016 10:39 am

Ugly crying, as Kim Kardashian knows, is a very really thing. So that’s why we feel for this sad piece of pizza, letting out a very concerning yelp. YouTuber Cody Hunsberger shared a video clip of a slice of pizza, being pressed to let out a bizarre, human-like noise.

OMG, why is it doing that?? Best guess is that this frighteningly human-sounding ‘za is hot out of the oven (or microwave) and the noise is air from bubbles inside the crust. In any case, it’s an upsetting noise and it’s hard not to anthropomorphize it. Can you imagine the squeaky cries it would make while you were eating it?? It’d feel like you you were eating a live guinea pig!

Well, unless you have secret fantasies of being a cat who eats live guinea pigs, we just can’t imagine being heartless enough to eat this squeaky pizza. No, in this case, the only thing left to do is to trap the pizza in a humane mouse trap, take it out to the woods, and release it into the wild. Nature needs to decide if this tasty slice can survive, perhaps find a wild mate, and create a whole new squeaky genetic line…

Actually, wait. That would mean we’d soon be too upset to eat any pizza. It’d become the Sea World orca of the food world, there’d be protests, and signs, and “Save the Squeakers” riots. Soon would come congressional debates on the intelligence of Chicago-vs-NY-style pies, and then people would have pet pizza and we’d all end up morally confused about the tastiest food on the planet.

Never mind. Eat it. Eat it immediately and save us all.

Of course, this being the Internet, squeaky pizza is already immortalized thanks to a remix version. Check it out on Mashable. We’ll never forget you, noisy slice.

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