Removing Sex From The Equation

How frequently has this happened to you: The guy you are interested in says he “just wants to have fun” or “just wants something casual”? Meanwhile, you still hang out with him, you have a great time, but ultimately you are left with a big question mark concerning your relationship status. You don’t know if his intentions are true, you don’t know if he is casually seeing other women and you don’t know if your status will change into something more concrete. Yet you are still sleeping with him.

While this is all in good fun, and we fortunately live in a day and age where the sexual liberation of women is finally becoming acceptable, there may be a negative feedback loop to this behavior. Effectively, what you are telling the guy is that you are okay with his casual status. You are justifying his non-committal behavior.

Now, I’m not one to tell anybody what to do with their bodies, and I’m also not here to judge anybody. In fact, I’m all for parity between men and women when it comes to having fun (as long as it is safe, consensual and done in good conscience, of course). But what I do want to say is that it is important to be aware of the fact that sex is just one parameter in the equation that makes up a relationship, and that there may be unforeseen consequences to all of this sexual liberation.

In casual relationships, the sex component is usually much more prominent than in the “classic” notion of relationships. I’m referring to hooking up, of course. If you are in a serious commitment, hooking up is no longer an issue and you take time to foster emotional closeness and support. Even the terminology is different. When it’s casual, you “hook up”; when in a relationship, it’s “being intimate”.

But for all of those reading this who are wondering what will happen to their casual status, here is an idea for you: Take the sex out of the equation. I don’t mean permanently of course. I mean, create a situation where you are hanging out with your casual beau but you don’t spend the night together. See if you are compatible without the sex component a few times. If things go well and he continues to show interest, you can take this as a good sign that there is something deeper between the two of you than just hooking up. If not, then you can probably assume that things will remain in their casual status, and you can choose if you want to continue or not given this new insight.

The reason behind this is that sex can frequently jumble our thinking about our relationships because it is a primal urge and not a rational component of the equation. A bad sexual experience can ruin an otherwise great relationship, and a great sexual experience can make an otherwise crappy relationship drag on for months. So if you take the sex out you can see if the rest is good or not.

Again, it is totally up to you. If you want something casual, go for it, but if you are wondering if it is something more than casual, then try hanging out without having sex to see if your connection to your guy is solid or not.


Featured image via MySpace

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