Rachel Paige
April 20, 2016 4:44 pm
NBC

Maybe you’ve heard this sentence said by one of your close friends before: “I’m not looking for a relationship because I want to focus on ~me~.”

TBH, that’s a pretty good, and valid, reason as to why someone might not want to be in a relationship. I also think it’s bullshit. Why? Because I have all the time IN THE WORLD (to binge a thousand TV series) and I’m not using “me time” as an excuse as to why I don’t want a relationship. I feel like this “me time” is just a catchall expression to use as a crutch when asked, point blankly, as to why you’re not in a relationship. “I’m just trying to focus on myself!” Okay, yes, sure, and I’m just trying to binge every episode of The OC, so basically the same thing.

I am super single, and I will not give you the reason of “me time” as to why I’m not in a relationship. Instead, here are some other perfectly valid (and honest), reasons as to why you won’t find me out on the town with a significant other this Friday night:

1. I don’t have the patience to date 

Dating is a struggle. The idea of having to go out with someone three or four times just to figure out if you want to KEEP seeing them sounds like such a ridiculous hassle. I wish I could meet someone and we just start our relationship as if we were already 12 years into it (that is an exact Liz Lemon quote).

2. Making plans with someone new is a stress I don’t need  

I fail so hard at making plans, and my friends know that. So now, add in trying to make plans with someone BRAND NEW who doesn’t know how much I suck at making plans, and I come off as a total and complete flake. It’s easier just to avoid this whole situation by not going out in the first place!

3. Dates = money, money = a hot commodity 

I have a lot of female friends tell me that “dating equals free dinner,” and while that’s certainly the case a lot of times, I honestly feel awful expecting a dude to pay for my appetizer and burger and fries and soda and dessert (yes, I’m going to order that much on a date like a champ). Even if I didn’t order enough to feed a small family, I’d still try to split the bill with him. That’s me spending money I could be saving to buy things I don’t need off of Amazon.

4. I’m very lazy 

Do guys just want to sit around and Netflix and not chill…? What’s the term for hanging out with a guy where you binge an entire television series but nothing frisky actually happens? I want to do that.

5. I’m saving myself for Luke Perry 

Nope. JK. That’s what Cher says in Clueless.

6. I’d much rather keep company with a dog

If a genie were to appear and proclaim, “RACHEL! You can have a boyfriend for a year or play with this puppy for twenty minutes!” I’m going to be like, “What’s the puppy’s name?”

7. I enjoy having my complete and total independence, and this is my norm

I’m in my late 20s, and I have a set routine. I get up, I go to work, I go to the gym, I go home, eat dinner, watch TV, repeat ad nauseum. Now, if I suddenly I need to start making accommodations for someone else in my daily life, that’s going to throw off my groove a little bit. If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I truly like my groove.

8. Sleepovers stress me the hell out 

Growing up, I was ~that kid~ who used to call her parents at 11pm and be like “Hey parents can you pick me up?” Now as an adult, still the last thing I ever want to do is have a sleepover somewhere else, SORRY GUYS. I want my own bed, and my own covers, and my own pillows, and I want to do this in my own queen sized bed, all by myself. Sorry. NOT SORRY. I’m very tired and I want a good night’s sleep.

9. I don’t know if I am mentally capable of caring for someone else right now

I see this on TV all the time: someone catches a cold, and their partner takes care of them. That’s a very nice thought, but I’m also very busy and I literally do not have the time to take care of someone if they’re sick and need me. If I get sick I don’t rely on anyone else to take care of ME, so the thought that I might be required to Florence Nightingale someone else? No thanks.

10. I have not met the right person 

While dating to date sounds fun, so does binging Kimmy Schmidt again all the way through. When I meet the right person, all of this will change, of course. I’d expect it to. But for right now, having to go out with a bunch of literal dude STRANGERS to find the one is a big PASS.

11. I thoroughly enjoy being single

You mean I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want, without having to think about what my partner is doing? I am the only person in charge of my own destiny?? I love the sound of that.

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