1. You really don’t understand movie sex — because hello, there are so many steps to having sex when you have chronic UTIs.
The characters just lay there afterwards basking in their sex glow, while you’re screaming at the screen “What are you doing? You literally have three minutes to pee before you get a UTI!”
2. You are shocked, simply shocked, that there are people in this world who wipe back to front.
Do you WANT E.coli in your urethra back-to-front wipers?
3. You know that “just drink cranberry juice” tip is total crap.
Like, it’s fine for brunch, but it’s bullshit for UTIs.
4. And your UTI laughs in the face of those cranberry drugstore pills.
Boo, cranberries, the queen of garbage. FEED ME THE REAL STUFF.
5. You know that those over-the counter UTI pain relief meds admittedly kinda-sorta work — at least in a way that will give you *some* type of comfort.
Because it goes from feeling like a samurai sword is pressed up really hard against your urinary tract to only feeling like a butter knife is pressed up really hard against your urinary tract. But you also know they’re not really fixing anything.
6. You just have to be okay with your pee turning a terrifying shade of Fanta orange.
It won’t be like this forever. It can’t be.
7. You are endlessly Googling “DIY UTI remedies.”
It’s not about the destination. It’s about the journey.
8. You know the hours of every emergency walk-in clinic within a five minute drive of your house.
You’re a regular, they should start giving you Ciprofloxacin on the house.
9. When you explain to the clinic you have a UTI and they skeptically tell you that they need a urine sample “to be sure,” you’re like “I’M SURE OKAY???”
“Fine, take my pee, but I promise you, I KNOW what my urethra feels like when it’s infected, and it FEELS LIKE THIS.”
10. Also when the same condescending clinic people ask if you take all the proper precautions to prevent UTIs, you can literally feel your blood boil.
Yes of COURSE you wipe front-to-back and pee 30 seconds after sex, but none of that matters, because your vagina is Painful Bacteria Disneyland.
11. You hoard UTI antibiotics.
You know this is really bad and you shouldn’t do it, but when you’re on your antibiotics and you’re basically feeling better, you don’t finish all the pills in the bottles, because you really don’t feel like waiting three hours at the emergency clinic the next time Hurricane UTI hits your shores.
12. You’re afraid your urinary tract bacteria will eventually grow resistant to antibiotics.
Then you’ll just have a UTI forever.
13. When you REALLY have to pee, you can become convinced that it means you have a UTI.
You have to wait until you finish peeing to confirm that it was just the having-to-pee thing that hurt, not the dawn of your 47th UTI.
14. Of course, when you do have an infection, there’s the awkwardness of having to run to the bathroom seven times an hour when you’re at work.
Because you know that whatever people are imagining is going on in there is so much worse than just-having-to-pee-because-you-have-a-UTI
15. You are completely terrified of the zombie apocalypse because NO DOCTORS.
Well, a) You really, really, really don’t want the world to end, and b) WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IF YOU GET A UTI?