Anna Buckley
September 09, 2016 11:33 am
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Whether you’re #TeamLuke, #TeamChristopher, or #TeamMax, there is no denying that Luke Danes is one of the most lovable characters on Gilmore Girls. He is caring, grumpy, and hardheaded in the most endearing way possible. Also, his collection of plaid flannels could make any burly lumberjack jealous.

Over the course of seven seasons, we came to know and LOVE Luke – especially thanks to his many rants and lectures. Whether or not you agree with what he says, the way he says things with such passion is admirable (and a key part of his personality). That’s exactly why Lorelai (and basically all of Stars Hollow, tbh) was always ready to bear witness to any/all of his phenomenal pieces of dialogue.

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Without further ado, here are 12 of Luke’s most memorable and fiery rants…

1. Luke on Thanksgiving:

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“Have any of you considered the fact that you’re glorifying a war we fought so we could keep land that we stole?”

2. Luke on the justice system: 

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“Lawyers waste time and money. They’re needless middlemen who slither into people’s lives when they’re at their most vulnerable so they can clamp on and suck like leeches until everyone but them is distraught and penniless.”

3. Luke on fate: 

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“Please, there is no fate. There is no fate. There is no destiny. There is no luck. Astrology is ridiculous. Tarot cards tell you nothing. You cannot read a palm. Tea leaves make tea and nothing else. Jim Morrison is not hanging out with Elvis, and the Kennedy’s did not kill Marilyn.”

4. Luke on cars: 

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“You don’t buy a car based on a feeling. Sports cars don’t think they’re better than other cars, okay? Hatchbacks don’t have SUV inferiority complexes. And sedans aren’t afraid to get dirty.”

5. Luke on environmentalism:

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“Did you know that golf courses are an environmental blight because of the chemicals they use to keep the grass green?”

6. Luke on tradition:

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“Tradition is a trap that allows people to stick their head in the sand. Everything in the past was so quaint, so charming. Times were simpler. Kids didn’t have sex. Neighbors knew each other. It’s a freaking fairytale. Things sucked then, too. It just sucked without indoor plumbing.”

7. Luke on forgiveness: 

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“You could have witnessed something good for your mother who, yes, has screwed up a bit in her life but now seems to have found something to make her happy, and you miss that, you refuse to be a part of that, you are going to be very sorry.”

8. Luke on consumerist society: 

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“A man can’t choose if he wants a picture of a fat, stupid bird on his wall?! That’s the reason the pilgrims came here!”

9. Luke on sacred spaces: 

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“The counter is MY scared space! You don’t do yoga on the Dalai Lama’s mat, and you don’t come behind my counter, period!”

10. Luke on Tom Cruise’s acting: 

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Kirk: “Say I was Tom Cruise, where would you seat me?”

Luke: “In an acting class.”

11. Luke on apartment-hunting: 

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Luke: “I don’t want a wood burning fireplace, but if I take an apartment with a wood-burning fireplace, even though I could give a rat’s ass about a wood-burning fireplace, I have to pay an extra $200 a month for the wood-burning fireplace. And three of the places make you put down a $500 deposit if you have a dog. Can you believe this?”

Lorelai: “You don’t have a dog.”

Luke: “I know, but it’s wrong!”

Lorelai: “What else?”

Luke: “Parking! How can people ask a monthly fee for a parking space? I mean, they’re making money off your tent, off your utilities, when you use their coin-operated washer and dryer! That’s cash, directly in their pocket. And by the way, it’s not even that good of a parking space — it’s out in the open under one of those trees that drops the sap on your car that eats away your paint. And who is going to pay for my car, huh? Where’s my $500 paint-killing-tree-sap deposit!?”

12. Luke on love:

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Luke: “Oh, Jess, come on. You did this completely wrong. Open two-way communication is the foundation of love, and you cut that off. I had this friend — let’s call him Phillip — who thought expressing intimacy was a favor to his partner, but expressions of intimacy should be given freely and frequently. He loved Judy, but he used his love as a bargaining tool.”

Jess: “Who the hell is Judy?”

Luke: “Phillip’s wife. We call her Judy.”

Jess: “I wasn’t bargaining.”

Luke: “You were bargaining. You had expectations out of line with what you deserved.”

Jess: “Where are you getting this junk?”

Luke: “Life. I’ve lived.”

Thanks for always keeping it real, Luke. Now, we can’t help but wonder what we’ll find him ranting about in the upcoming revival. The current political climate? Man-buns? Snapchat? We can’t wait to find out.

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