How to have a Happy Valentine's Day
Here are some tips to get you through the day:
- Wake up. Hug yourself and whisper, “I don’t need a soul mate, I don’t need to get married and make babies.” Now call your mother.
- In lieu of heart-shaped pancakes lovingly made by a spouse, bend your Pop-Tart in two and mold it into a heart by pounding it with your fist.
- Be bold, wear red. Now sashay to the subway like Beyonce is telling you to get in Formation.
- Send yourself flowers. At work, open card, read “from your secret admirer” out loud, lock eyes with the hottest person in the room, smile knowingly.
- After work, group-text your cousins who will always meet you to get hammered on cocktails that taste like cinnamon.
- Do not drunk-text your Ex.
- Give your cousin your phone
- Put that maraschino cherry in your mouth. Smile like it’s your front tooth. Wave at someone ‘til they wave back.
- Learn from your past Valentine’s Days: Do not make out with the bartender.
- But just in case you do …. always remember…. shave everything.