What my mom thinks my favorite TV shows are called
My mom and I talk about everything. We talk about love, we talk about dreams, we talk about television. My mom has absolutely zero idea what any of today’s television shows are called, but to be fair she also has close to zero idea what anyone’s name is (and to be doubly fair, English is her second language).
It’s charming really, and while it can lead to some confusing conversations if overheard by an outsider, from the inside it all makes sense. She really enjoyed that Oscar movie, you know, “the one that wasn’t Gravity,” (The Martian); she likes to sprinkle her parlance with idioms (“it’s a doggy dog world,”); and she loves to talk to me about what I’m watching on television — even if she has absolutely no idea what the shows I watch are actually called.
Below, a lexicon for use in deciphering my mother’s television references, brought to you in a handy-dandy list of what she thinks my favorite TV shows are actually called.
That Whole Kardashian Thing
Blanket term employed to reference all aspects of the Kardashian franchise.
The One We Watch in Miami on Netflix with the Guy from Dawson’s Creek
Used when referring to the Showtime program The Affair.
Decks of Cards
Alternate name, and inadvertent poker show spin-off pitch, for House of Cards.
Used when speaking about the Netflix series Bloodline. Never used to reference the MTV series actually called Bloodlines.
What Is This Boyfriend Show?
Question uttered aloud to the room every single time The Bachelor comes on.
Those Murder-y Ones
Refers to all Law and Order, CSI and SVU related programming. Addendum: Reference to SVU-specific shows is made as SUV.
That Girls Show in Hoboken
Used to describe a range of shows including Younger (which takes place in Brooklyn), Girls (which takes places in Brooklyn), and Two Broke Girls (which takes place in Brooklyn).
The One With Chris Dane and the Singer From Broadway
Used when referencing the series Homeland. “Chris Dane” refers to “Claire Danes.” “The singer from Broadway,” signals “Mandy Patinkin.”
The Geeks with the Haircuts Who Wear T-Shirts
Phrase employed to evoke The Big Bang Theory.
The One In Transylvania
Game of Thrones
That Dina Lunham Show
Used when referring to Girls. Interchangeable with That Girls Show in Hoboken.
Not always used to signify Grey’s Anatomy. Is occasionally substituted in for Nurse Jackie and House.
The Girls and Guys in the Loft
Phrase uttered when referring to the FOX program New Girl.
The One With the Guy, You Know
Exclamation used to signify all other programming on television.