Madeleine Aggeler
December 29, 2016 6:35 pm
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Resolutions set the tone for the year ahead, or at least the first two weeks of January, so it’s worth making some good New Year’s resolutions.

But if you’re like me, you’ve had…mixed success with your past resolutions. In my defense, though, nobody else ever discovered Atlantis either, and it was unlikely that I was a going to become the “greatest rock star of all time” as a 12-year-old who didn’t play any instruments and wore a lot of puppy shirts — no matter how high up it was on my list of resolutions.

As some vague authority figure told me at a school assembly once, SMART goals should be Specific, Measurable, Assignable, Realistic and…I want to say Telekinetic? Terrestrial? Tarantulas?

Anyway, if you’re also interested in trying some different, more attainable resolutions this year, I have a few for you to consider:

1Finally learn the name of that one woman at work

You know she told you her name when you first started working there but it would be awkward to ask now, and you can’t keep calling her “Friend!”

2Read the Wikipedia articles of all the books you say you’ve read, but haven’t really

You do want to read War and Peace, after all. You just don’t have the, like, three years necessary to devote to it right now.

3Stop biting your nail polish off when it starts chipping

It’s probably toxic and you always get little bits in your teeth.

4Come up with a series of interesting conversation topics to deploy on dates/cocktail parties/long lines at the DMV

Did you know an ant’s sense of smell is stronger than a dog’s? My aunt knew a woman whose sister went on a date with Ted Bundy. Some tumors can grow hair, bones, and teeth. Wait, where are you going? Cracking your knuckles isn’t actually bad for you! The cracking sound is gas bubbles bursting!”

5Learn one dance routine really, really well, and then break it out wherever you can

Some suggestions: Single Ladies, Thriller, Cotton-Eye Joe.

6Learn about wine varietals

So when the waiter takes your order, you don’t have to say “Whatever will mess me up. Haha just kidding — the yellow one.”

7Tell someone when you want a serious relationship

Instead of saying, “Casual, yes! Casual’s great. Casual’s cool. Cool cool cool! Haha. I’m just gonna go scream into a pillow real quick. No, I’m fine! Casual’s cool!”

8Stop wiping your hands on your pants after eating

This is why your clothes are covered in mystery stains.

9Donate money to charity or social justice organizations

And then don’t post about it on social media afterwards. It still counts, I promise!

10Speak up for yourself at the hair dresser

Last time you went in asking for a root touch up and then one thing led to another and you left with purple hair. Be your own follicular body-guard.

11 Settle on one signature

Experimenting with signatures was cute and endearing when you were eight. At 25, it’s confusing and raises issues at the bank. Just scribble your name all loopy, like you’re too busy and important to write legibly, and then call it a day.

12 Stop washing your underwear in the shower

This one should be pretty self-explanatory.

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