One glance at my resumé will tell you two things: it is padded like a preteen’s training bra and I have very, very extensive experience working with kids.
All of my job experience and letters of recommendation point to long term babysitting or nannying jobs I’ve held for awesome soccer moms with awesome kids. During a late night spent applying for scholarships, I paused for a minute and let my bleary eyes really read over my resumé. Though my resume mentioned my aspiration to become a book editor, the cold hard facts of where I’d dedicated my time all throughout high school suggested I pursue a different career path.
I needed to dream big.
I needed to go for the big leagues.
Let me spell this out for you: I want to be a celebrity nanny. I mean, there is no way that a big name celebrity can attend every ballet recital, go to every soccer practice and make it to every parent teacher conference. There’s just no way. I can be available for every awards show where babysitters are needed. Like the Grammys. And the Oscars. And any other red carpet events. I would be more than willing to pencil these celeb kids in. I will bring the face paint, I will bring the bubbles, I will battle the invisible dragons and cook gluten-free dinners and clean up any mess made.
I can be free to watch the kiddos when a girls night is needed. (I’m looking at you J-Lo, Elizabeth Banks, Julia Roberts, Sarah Jessica-Parker and Britney Spears.)
Celebrities live busy, stressful lives and a night off every once in a while is not only nice, it is vital to their well being. Because even though Beyonce is quite capable of taking over the world, (and several other planets and galaxies) she needs someone that can take care of little Blue Ivy every once in a while, when her and Jay-Z need a date night. And I’m sure that sometimes Hilary Duff gets tired of her fussy little Luca and just wants a night off where she can go ice-skating with her NHL husband max. (People say I look like Hilary Duff, so this could potentially turn into dangerous Lifetime movie where a boy grows up unable to differentiate between his babysitter and his mom. But probably not, so I think Hilary should give me a call.)
And quite frankly, I’m terrified that Kim Kardashian will eventually leave her little Kimye at her place in Los Angeles when she flies to her apartment in New York. And it won’t turn out to be funny and cute like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone.
You need me, Kim.
You really need me, Kanye.
You both really, really need me.
I’m not limiting myself to babies and toddlers though, because let’s be honest– even teenagers need a babysitter every now and then again. (Hint hint Malia and Sasha.) If business picks up and things go well, I would even consider starting a Celebrity Babysitter’s Club. This way when I’m busy babysitting Brangelina’s tribe on a Friday night, I can refer Katie Holmes to my best friend Amy to play peek-a-boo with sweet Suri. And when I’m wrapped up playing pirates with J-Lo’s twins Emme and Max, I can refer Mama June to my sister Robyn so she can teach Honey Boo Boo and 6-fingered Kaitlin how to give high sixes.
The instant Will and Kate give me a call though, I’m breaking like Justin Timberlake from *NSYNC and starting my solo career.
I’m not asking for a reality TV show or front page story featuring myself in People magazine. I’m just asking for a few babysitting gigs.