Jill Kushner
July 23, 2013 1:00 pm

There’s talk of a train, of sorts, that will allow us to get from Los Angeles to New York in under an hour. It’s a Hyperloop system and it would travel at speeds of 4,000 mph. I’m no Rocket Scientist, but I feel confident saying it: that’s fast. The projected price to travel in a six person “capsule” in this elevated tube system? A hundred bucks. I’m in. I’m so damn in. I’m also claustrophobic, but come on! This is some serious A Wrinkle in Time s**t!

Coincidentally, as I write this, I’m trying to book a ticket between LA and NY on an old-timey airplane and it’s ridiculous. Prices have gone back up. There are barely any aisle seats available. And what’s making it the most difficult is that kids are going back to school earlier than they used to, therefore a lot of early August flights are booked with families coming back from summer vacations. This is exactly why I’m anti-education. If these kids weren’t finishing up their summer vacations early and flying back home with their parents to start school, I’d have way more August flight options. I’ve retooled the oft-heard, “Kids, don’t do drugs and stay in school” to “Kids, don’t do drugs and get home schooled.”

This potential new way of travel is called the Evacuated Tube Transport and a team out of Colorado is already working on it. The guy heading it up, Elon Musk, is the head of Tesla Motors and SpaceX. I only understand Nurse Jackie, Orange is the New Black and Twitter, so I trust this dude to sort any and all tube transportation for us. He describes the system as “a cross between a Concorde, a rail gun and an air hockey table.” Oh my God, we’re all going to die. But I’ll still do it. For LA to NY in under an hour, I’ll be a puck. Not a problem.

Apparently, it’s some kind of magnetic levitation system. Again, I write jokes for television, so I’m not sure how that is any different from a refrigerator magnet.  This thing could very well be a choo choo train made of “Tomorrow, We Diet” magnets taken off of my Aunt Sheryl’s fridge. When I hear “levitation”, I think “light as a feather, stiff as a board.”  And, to be perfectly frank, if at any time over the years, three or four girls were ever able to pick me up just using their fingertips, my ever weight-conscious ass was thrilled. So, this is probably kind of like that. Just six folks crammed into a tube surrounded by clever refrigerator magnets, flying through the air chanting, “Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.” For 45 minutes. Girl, I’ve been in way worse situations.

As for the price for this whole thing to get up and running, it sounds like the entire system might be able to be built for less than the cost of a high-speed rail or a freeway. Wow! Go, Team Colorado! It’s like Kevin Costner said: “If you build an Evacuated Tube Transport, we will come.” I will say, I’m now slightly worried about all of those soon not-to-be adopted freeways. But, if there’s a possibility of getting from West Hollywood to the Lower East Side in 45 minutes, it’s every man/freeway for himself! The 405 will learn to grow up on its own. Sorry, ‘lil guy. To be fair, I’ve sat on your ass plenty.

The team in Colorado, which is likely made up of Hogwarts graduates and people who took Honors Physics while I was in whatever class was the opposite of Honors Physics, already have mock ups of the system and plan on conducting a three mile test run by the end of the year. They know that LA to NY has approximately three zeros after that three, right? I’m sure they do. A three mile test run is adorable, but step up your game, bitches. Momma’s antsy and psyched to not be on the plane for five hours.

Supposedly, the capsules that we’d be traveling in are built for space travel. That better not mean there’s no WiFi. Don’t be assh**es, you guys. Make sure there’s WiFi. And outlets. So be a bro and just reshape a Virgin America plane into your capsule. Wait, does “built for space travel” mean we’re gonna hit Zero G? We might feel weightlessness!? So, you’re saying I’ll get there in under an hour, I’ll feel skinny AND my personal items will float freely in front of me?! This will make for some excellent Instagram videos. There goes my brush, a pack of gum and one Converse floating in front of my face! Post!

This might not be how it works. It’s worth noting, once again, that I know very little about science. This might be rooted in the first day of my first sex ed class in 4th grade science. Mrs. Frish, my science teacher, said she expected us to be mature, and not two minutes later she said “breasts” and I cracked up. Hysterically. By myself. I got sent into the hallway to think about it. What I thought was that everyone would laugh. Not so much. I think, after that, I was turned off by science. And turned on by breasts.

Regardless of whether we fly around in the capsule or drink Tang or have WiFi, I can’t wait to travel across the country in under an hour. In the meantime, I will do it like the cavemen did it, on an old-timey airplane in five hours.

P.S. Breasts. Ha! Ha! Ha! No one? Kay.

Featured image via: industrymap.com

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