Marti Schodt
April 15, 2015 5:50 am

Every night, I lay down heavy eyed and weary, ready for bed, praying for sleep, and then BOOM I’m wide awake, typically until 3:30 or 4 a.m. at which point I’ll doze for a couple hours before waking up at 7 and starting my day. I’ve always been a terrible sleeper. As soon as I was capable of forming thoughts, I was awake.

Bed time is for planning my next day, or worrying about my future, or remembering that awful thing I said in fourth grade. Sometimes bedtime is when I find all the aches and pains my body has been saving up. Other times I go to bed and am suddenly overcome with amazing ideas that have to be written down right now. 

If we’re being honest I don’t think I’ve slept more than six hours in the past 15 years unless heavily sedated after a surgery or a sickness. My tossing and turning is just something I’ve come to accept. I’ve also come to accept these truths that come hand-in-hand with being a bad sleeper:

1. When people wake you up it is a BIG DEAL

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to wake you, are you mad?”

“No! Of course not.” *Eye twitch*

2. You love naps more than you love most people

I would marry naps if I could. I would dress a nap in a fluffy white dress and make her my wife.

3. People often try to give you well intended, but useless sleep advice

Yes, I’ve tried a sleep mask. Yes, I’ve tried melatonin. Yes, I’ve tried tea. Yes, I’ve tried milk. Yes, I’ve tried reading the dictionary, in fact I finished it last night and you’re being vexatious.

4.  You talked to your doctor and they were basically like “Sorry, girl, that sucks for you.”

Maybe that’s just me. I might need to find a new doctor.

5. No, the “soothing sounds” iPhone app just doesn’t do the job.

If only sleep were that simple.

6. Sleepovers were a huge source of stress as a child

You knew you’d be the last one awake which meant dealing with the crushing repercussions of scary story time. But, you were also the first one up which meant first pick of the waffles.

7. You’re always tired. Always.

Q: Are you tired now?

A: Yes. It’s 4 a.m. and I’m reading this article in bed with a tub of ice cream in my lap.

8. You’ve learned how to make your dark circles a fashion statement.

Werk it, girl.

9. Having roommates is hard.

You’re probably all on different sleep schedules which means everyone is getting woken up all the time.

10. Having a significant other is hard.

Bae wants to sleep, you want to talk about whether or not there’ll ever be a Back to the Future 4.

11. Having friends who are good sleepers is hard.

So. Much. Envy.

12. You actually love sleep.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

13. You get all the 2 a.m. feelings texts because your friends know you’re awake

You’ve had more than one intense conversation about love and life while staring glassy eyed into the darkness.

14. All-nighters don’t really faze you anymore.

That’s what Wikipedia-holes are for.

15. You get through series way faster than your friends because you have an extra eight hours a night for Netflixing.

I watched the entirety of The Office in two weeks. It was stupendous.

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