Kayli Stollak
November 16, 2013 6:00 pm

There is a place out at sea, beyond the warm winds of the tropics, beside the plastic bottle cemetery that pollutes the home of the fish, somewhere between the tail of Argentina and the icebergs of Antarctica. There lays a small island disconnected from all communication. On this dry slab of lonely land there is only one type of known species: all the men who never called you back.

This may sound mysterious and bizarre—that’s only because it is. Remember the cute tech guy who flirted with you relentlessly at that wedding? The one you drank champagne with and pinned you against a wall in the bathroom stall? The reason he never called after that spit-swapping affair isn’t because he didn’t like you, (I mean how could he not? He’s obsessed with you!) it’s because he was abducted later that night and taken to the island.

You’ve been having rockin’ sex with that guy you met at a bar, yes it was mainly a hook up thing, but it was reliable and fun, goddammit! He didn’t stop responding to your booty calls because he met someone else, he stopped because there are no phones where he now lives.

What about that funny advertising dude you had three solid dates with? He casually suggested that you guys should go upstate together some weekend and you were totally down. In your head you had already taken inventory of your closet and decided which cozy flannels and knee socks you would pack. That trip never happened, not because he didn’t want it to, he totally did, but he’s stuck on the land of lost boys.

How did they get there? No one knows for sure. Likely there is some karmic force involved. Some says it’s the work of the Sandman, others say it’s Al Qaeda, but it’s all just speculation. The only thing we know for sure is that they are there and there is no way for them to get back.

What do these boys do on this island without WiFi or any other technological devices? Sometimes they attempt to chop down trees and craft boats, love vessels to get back to you. The problem is these men boys are not strong enough to carry the wood nor smart enough to assemble a watercraft. With no real tools to get in touch, they spend their days writing you apology letters in the sand, hoping an airplane might one day fly over head and look down to see their passion-fueled declarations.

They spend a large portion of their lonely nights sitting in a circle, the men who never called you back along with the men who never called back every other woman in the world, combing one and other’s beards, taking turns sharing their feelings, and gushing about how perfect the women are that they never called back are and how they wish that they had been more open with their feelings when they had the chance.

With no food or water source, they’re forced to drink their own urine and resort to cannibalism. It’s gross but what other option is there for these pathetic souls? There’s no use in spending any time thinking, crying, or complaining about these men once they’re gone because they’re not coming back. They are stuck there. Let them go.

Next time you don’t hear back from a guy you were dating, flirting, or hooking up with, don’t sweat it. Just imagine him, thin as a rail, drinking his own piss and crying in his beard on a crappy beach thousands of miles away wishing he could have just one more chance with you. He is a lost boy who will most likely be the lunch of another lost boy, now go find yourself a man.

Featured image via ShutterStock

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