Kids really aren't interested in your artisanal chocolate, okay?
Back in my day (insert grandma emoji here), there used to be this scintillating rumor that one of the houses in my neighborhood gave out King-Sized Hershey’s chocolate bars out to trick-or-treaters. While I never actually saw any kids with a King-Sized Hershey’s chocolate bar on Halloween or in the weeks after, the elusiveness of the huge treat made it all the more legendary.
Yeah, I could have walked to CVS and spent half of my allowance on a King-Sized Hershey’s chocolate bar, but that just isn’t the same, is it? The very best part of trick-or-treating is the anticipation of dumping out your pillowcase and finding mountains of cheap candy that people just handed to you – for free!
For the price of one ginormous Hershey’s bar, houses giving out candy this Halloween could instead buy trendier candy, like artisanal chocolate. Artisanal chocolate is usually made by hand from super special ingredients. I’ve read that some artisanal chocolatiers fly to exotic destinations to handpick their cocoa beans. Basically, artisanal chocolate is the craft beer, cold-drip coffee, grass-fed beef of the candy world — it might not be for everyone. Compared to the dreamy, dependable taste of Hershey’s, the experimental flavors of artisanal chocolate can be … harsh. Obviously I am biased, since I’ve always held those classic little bricks of Hershey’s heaven on a pedestal.
But as an adult, I have to buy my own Halloween candy now (PSA: being an adult stinks). Who knows what the trick-or-treaters of today enjoy? Bon Appétit gave a group of children pieces of artisanal chocolate to see test the sophistication of their tastebuds.
Here’s the taste-test video, in a nutshell:
Yup, it’s official. Giving out fancy chocolate to trick-or-treaters would be worse than giving out granola bars or apples (but you should not be giving those out either). The kids’ reactions are hilarious — the little flapper and witch threatening to vomit is particularly relatable — because they have no filter. If their candy is bitter, they are going to make a barfy face.
Luckily, the producers gave each of the adorable participants regular drugstore chocolate afterwards, probably to make sure the experience wasn’t entirely traumatic. One little boy dressed as a skeleton has an epiphany, a sort of spiritual awakening:
Yes, child. The chocolate is a message from your mouth all the way to your brain, so let’s hope that message is sweet.
In case you need more convincing that artisanal chocolate is the enemy of young trick-or-treaters, check out the full video on YouTube.