January Through April and How We Can Beat This Thing
I think I can speak for the group here when I say that everyone considers the months of January, February, March and April to be just like poisonous creatures of the night that bite us with their toxic venom and spread a case of the grouchiepouchies aggressive and quick to all of America. We forget what sunshine looks like in the sky and if it ever decides to come visit after months of spending time in greedy states like Florida (who do you think you are, the sunshine state or something? i mean geezowe, you already have Disney World, give the rest of the nation a chance at happiness), we just squint our eyes and drive with hostility because the combination of the sun and the snow is lethal and our hearts have already turned black. Our mornings, afternoons and evening all look the same. Slush covers our streets and invades our homes. Slush is not just what we walk through with our boots that will get stained-slush, is what we become. Slush is the worst. You can’t pack slush up into a snow ball and you can’t get school canceled either. Slush is good for nothing and America, we are too. Let’s give this slush puppy a good shoveling. I have compiled a suggested list of activities that are each like vitamins to beat off this epidemic.
1. Turn sentences into songs throughout the day. Make mundane phrases catchy and upbeat. It is okay if they follow the tune of an actual song and/or they just segway themselves into a N’Sync hit track. I can’t really stop it if whenever I say “Here we go” it always turns into “one more time, every body feeling fine, here we go huh-huh-huh here we go! N’Sync has got the flow!”
2. Keep a set of 5 lb. barbells by your bed. I am definitely not suggesting you start working out to make you feel better-in my experience it has always turned out to make feel: tired, sweaty, hungry and bored – none of those, especially combined, are super or fun. But! I find that keeping these 5 lb. barbell weights by my bed come in handy if I decide to make up my own work-out video with leg warmers and sweat bands or if I improv a dance they make really great props and you can even feel better about eating twice as much.
3. Pretend you are on a cooking show while you make meals. Even if is just cereal for breakfast – it does not have to be just cereal, use your charm and your constant desire to be on camera and make breakfast girl!
4. Go roller-skating. I bought my very own pair of roller-skates at the GoodWill for $5!! Really, I feel like I just robbed somebody for that price because you really can’t put a price tag on happiness can you? There’s nothing like lacing up your skates for free skate and know that all eyes are on you, superstar. Go out there and show those 10 year-old’s how it is done!
5. Try and memorize all of the words to a super fly rap song. When I sing superbass by Nicki Minaj in front of an audience, I just feel so tough, so hip and so popular all at the same time.
6. Become more cultured by finding a new show to watch on netflix – even if it is Dance Moms, you are expanding your horizons and you are growing and learning in your own unique way. You go you.
7. Tweeze your eyebrows. There’s nothing that can compete with the feeling of freshly groomed brows, even the process, the whole thing is just empowering.
8. Try out several instant tanners. Load up on that stuff, girlfriend! Everyone deserves to feel like Toddlers in Tiaras.
9. Put videos on YouTube of your most recent artistic expression (rap, dance routine, song, lip syncing session, celebrity impressions) whatever it is, you go and get discovered movie star!