I’m a smart woman. I have a University degree and know how to properly use a semi-colon. I have a good job, can hold my own in a conversation covering today’s headlines and can probably read faster than most people you know. I pride myself on my ability to stay in touch with old friends and rarely find myself cooking because I’m always grabbing dinner with Eva. Brunch with Kelly. Coffee with Mark.

However, despite my social and mental achievements, the part of the week I most look forward to is curling up on a Monday night and watching two straight hours of The Bachelor.

Granted, it’s two hours of pure laughter at the absurdity of the whole situation and the fact that after however many seasons, these people are STILL CLAIMING TO BE ON THE SHOW TO FIND LOVE. This idea baffles me on a daily basis (which is embarrassing in of itself since I’m admitting to not only watching the show, but thinking about it every day after).

How these women (and men) think this show is going to bring them love is beyond me. First and foremost, the statistics speak for themselves. For a show that claims to be your ticket to love, why is it that only 3 of 24 couples have actually lasted? That’s a whopping 12%. Furthermore, the top two contestants have spent at best two full days with the Bachelor when you break down the one-on-ones, the hometown visits and a rose ceremony every week. You have literally spent 2 days with this person and are throwing around words like “soulmate” and “destiny” and telling everyone in North America (or at least the 5 other people besides myself who continually tune in each week) that you are going to love this person forever.


Not only that, but the whole concept in of itself is completely bizarre for so many reasons. The one that gets me the most is the fact that in the end, there’s two women (or two men if it’s Bachelorette time!) who walk up to mista mista and find out if they’re going to get a)engaged or b)dumped. Where is the middle ground, people? It’s not “I think I like Chelsey better so am going to see how things go with her instead of you.” Instead, it’s “I think Chelsey and I had a bit more chemistry than you and I did over the course of the 2 days I spent with each of you – so I’m going to marry her. Sorry.”

And even FURTHERMORE is the fact that they show clip after clip after clip of the lucky bachelor talking about how excited he is to fall in love and settle down, claiming “I don’t know which one it’s gonna be, but I know my wife is in there.” How romantic.

“Honey, when I was dating 20 other really hot women, I didn’t know until the last minute that I was going to pick you out of everyone else! Cute eh?”

What gets me the most, what really gets me the most is the fact that people keep signing up for this show and keep THINKING IT WILL WORK. And THEN, when they get kicked off and are sent away sobbing in a limo, they look down at their lap and say “I can’t believe it’s over. I really thought this was it.”

This doesn’t disgust me or make me lose faith in humanity or even make me pass judgement on these people. It simply baffles me. I just don’t get it, and if I had the chance to have lunch with anyone in the world I would skip Ellen and pass on Ryan Gosling and choose a former bachelor contestant so they could explain this mystery to me. It drives me crazy. Every. Single. Day.

And so, when it’s all said and done and I’m sitting there on the couch with my glass of wine, rolling my eyes at the TV every time someone refers to this whole stupid process as an “incredible journey”, you’d think I’d be basking in the fact that I’m an accomplished woman who doesn’t squeal and doesn’t wear heels when I go to an amusement park. However, what I’m really thinking is how badly I want to be on this show.

I know, I know. Didn’t see that one coming.

I want to be a contestant on The Bachelor. I want to travel around for free, stay in beautiful hotels, drink free booze all day every day and swim in that luxurious pool. Most importantly, I want to win.

I remember on Jake’s season (see? I know them all by name) where one of the girls got sent home because it had been discovered that “she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend.”

Oh, the horror.

She admitted to this insane allegation and away she went, after which our TV screens were flooded with the faces of the other girls bawling their eyes out and incessantly repeating “I can’t believe she would do that to Jake!”

I distinctly remember this moment as being the one that made me dream of being on this show. I didn’t understand why everyone was reacting that way. I mean, HELLO. You want to be the last one standing and this girl just got taken out. I’d be clapping my hands and cheers-ing anyone who currently had a drink in hand (which is EVERYONE since all they do on this show is drink). You’re one step closer to victory, baby!

Seriously though. I’d be down to meet a hot guy , go on some fun dates and take a month long vacation. Maybe he’d like me and maybe I’d like him and maybe we would make-out on national television and maybe, if he was REALLY hot, I wouldn’t even mind. Maybe I would win, and if I did, I would take his hand and run off into our future of dating for AT LEAST TWO MORE YEARS because we don’t even know each other. BUT, at least now I have a hot boyfriend and I beat 20 stupid girls at a really, really stupid contest.

You can read more from Leah Ruehlicke on Twitter.

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