Corinne Caputo
May 13, 2013 5:00 am

Living on Mars could be cool. Who wouldn’t want to be the next Christopher Columbus? You could be a modern day explorer, have the entire country take a day in October off in your honor, and later you can distribute small pox blankets in order to acquire land.

Mars One, a Netherlands-based nonprofit, is planning to fly teams of four astronauts to the Red Planet, as early as April 2023. They’re hoping to establish a human settlement and the organization has already opened up its astronaut selection process. I’ve never found one-way trips particularly appealing. So here is a list of why living on Mar could be the worst.

1. Say goodbye to McFlurrys.

You will no longer have access to Earth’s best dessert. Imagine not having soft serve ice cream with Oreos or M&Ms mixed in. You will be reduced to eating weird dehydrated ice cream that only astronauts and kids in museum gift shops eat. I don’t know if I can give you a better reason to stay here than that but I’ll keep going.

2. No puppies.

The other day, I wanted to steal all of the puppies in the world and keep them for my own. You cannot steal all the puppies and keep them for your own on Mars. (You can’t technically do that on Earth, either, but at least I know it could be a little bit possible)

3. Your iPhone will be useless out there.

You won’t be able to text or iMessage or Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr or Instagram or Vine any of your thoughts. Your phone is entirely useless! If you ask me, a world where I cannot share everything that crosses my mind is not a place I want to be. I need the instant gratification of retweets and faves in order to feel good about myself.

4. If J.K. Rowling ever writes another book in the Harry Potter canon, you’ll miss it.

I can’t think of a more depressing bit of news. Imagine waking up in your tiny Mars house and slipping into your oxygen suit only for your cabin mate to reveal to you that Hogwarts: A History is finally being published in the muggle world.

5. We cannot breathe on Mars.

I feel like I shouldn’t even have to explain this one but basically, we cannot breath on Mars without oxygen tanks and such and that terrifies me.

6. You could be stuck with people you hate.

There is nothing worse than being around people who you don’t like. I always recommend being in a group of friends that mutually loves and supports each other. What if you get stuck on a shuttle with Chris Brown? I’m not saying it will happen but what if…

7. Any diary you keep on Mars will probably be published.

Of course any of your Mars journals will be published the moment you die and your life will be turned into a Lifetime movie starring Rob Lowe or Hayden Panettiere, probably. You are a world famous explorer so it makes sense that Hollywood would try to make money off of your story but publishing your innermost thoughts? What about all those times you scribbled “Mrs. Leo DiCaprio” and “I want a McFlurry so bad” in your diary? All of Earth will know!

8. Mars is cold.

In a typical Mars winter, nighttime temperatures can drop as low as -191°F. That is too cold for me. No thank you

9. Mars is dusty.

I read that Mars has the largest dust storms in the solar system and they can last for months and cover the entire planet. Remember in the 1930’s when the Dust Bowl was causing major ecological and agricultural damage? People were forced to leave their farms! You might be forced to leave your Mars house and moving is one of the greatest causes of stress. You don’t want to be stressed on Mars, do you?

10. You will have to think of an inspirational thing to say when you step foot on Mars for the first time.

Imagine it is the year 2023 and all of Earth is tuning in on their 3-D televisions to see you step foot on the Red Planet. They turn their volume up, their fingers rest on their phones so they can live tweet the event. The world goes quiet as your foot hits the planet and they wait to hear you say the words that will be instantly added to the textbooks. BUT WHAT TO SAY?! Nothing will ever be good enough. Neil Armstrong said “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” which doesn’t even make that much sense unless we change it to “one small step for [a] man.” Just give up. The pressure of finding the perfect words is too hard.

Would you want to live on Mars? Tell me in the comments below!

Featured image via ShutterStock.

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