Kathryn Lindsay
Updated Nov 19, 2017 @ 2:19 pm
Credit: Paramount Pictures

Let us travel, for a moment, back to our tweenhoods. Amidst the awkwardly-fitted camisoles and crowded braces sat one unforgettable desire: boobs. Puberty promises a fast track to adulthood, but while our bodies were growing a mile a minute, some of our boobs took a backseat. No matter how many nights we spent in front of the mirror willing them to grow bigger, they frustratingly remained the same size. So it makes sense that we turned to some pretty ridiculous tactics to give them that little extra push.

In the words of Judy Blume, I must, I must, I must increase my bust, and here are eight different things we tried as tweens to go to A-cup and beyond. (Disclaimer for any tweens reading this article for tips: None of these actually work! Sorry!)

Doing arm exercises

Check out this ~elaborate~ exercise my friends and I created:

Credit: Author

Getting our periods for the first time

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Surely getting a period — you know, the very symbol of biological womanhood — would spur our boobs into action! Sadly, this was not the case. (Wait, you’re telling me I have to bleed every month and still wear a training bra?!)

Wearing push-up bras

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Speaking of bras, maybe a push-up bra would give our boobs something to aspire to, motivating them to grow.

Wearing no bras

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Buuuut don’t go too bra crazy, especially when you’re sleeping! Everyone knows that wearing a bra while you sleep constrains boob growth. Right?!

Touching them

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Lifting weights makes your muscles bigger, so surely that logic also applies to boobs. You didn’t need a partner to give your boobs a good fondle — most of us were absent-mindedly doing it as we sat in bed or drifted off in class.

Applying breast cream

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I mean, what else is breast cream supposed to do?

Drinking milk

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Drinking milk was basically a mouth-to-boob pipeline: the more milk you drank, the bigger your boobs would be. Lactose intolerant? No problem. Fellow HelloGiggles writer Sammy Nickalls heard a rumor that soy milk would do the trick (“Weird one, but went ALL around the school,” she told us).

Credit: Disney / giphy.com

Waiting one more year … okay one more year …

…before finally accepting that it is what it is. But who cares? Small boobs are totally underrated (and who knows, maybe next year will be the big one!)