11 ways to kill a spider, as explained by someone who's terrified of spiders

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What’s creepy, crawly, has eight legs, and is basically your mortal enemy? Spiders. Sure, all animals arachnoids are living things and deserve a place in this world, but spiders are DOWNRIGHT TERRIFYING. EVEN THE LITTLE ONES.

The worst is finding yourself all alone in an empty apartment and seeing something small and black (possibly furry) scurry across the floor. Oh hell no. Without anyone else around, you have to handle this spider all by yourself. Take a deep breath, calm your nerves, and head in ready for battle. Here are some of the best ways to battle that eight-legged monster. You can do this.

1. Squish it with a tissue

This is the easiest, and most common, way to kill a spider. Squish it in a tissue, and then throw it away in the trash/flush it down the toilet. Easy.

2. Step on it with a thick workboot

If the spider is bigger than like, oh, a dime, your best bet might be to get a large and heavy boot, put the boot on, and then SQUISH IT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.

3. Place a cup over it, and hope that it suffocates

Maybe there’s a small pain in your heart every time you a kill a bug, because bugs are living things, too. So maybe you decided to corral the spider underneath a cup, and then hope it can’t get any air (IDK, how do spiders breathe?) and it slowly suffocates underneath your blue kitchen cup. BE SURE TO PUT THIS CUP IN THE DISHWASHER.


4. Place a cup over it, and call someone to come over and kill it

Maybe you don’t want to kill the bug, but you want someone else to. Grab that cup, place it over the spider, and then wait until your significant other/a friend/the cable repair man comes over and you’re like “Hey, so I’ve got this spider underneath this cup…”

5. Vacuum it up

Do you not want to touch the spider whatsoever, but want to get rid of it ASAP? You know that vacuum you’ve got in your kitchen closet? Detach the hose, and suck that little sucker right up (and then give it an appropriate amount of time, so you know the spider is 100% dead, and empty your vacuum out).

6. Spray it with Raid

Raid was invented to kill bugs, and using a spray or two (or a whole can) of Raid on this eight-legged beast should do the trick.

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7. Spray it with hairspray

Do you not have Raid, because last time you were at Target you were like, “Ugh, why is Raid so expensive? Something that kills spiders should be FREE!” If you don’t have Raid, hairspray usually does a pretty good job of immobilizing spiders. Not that I’ve killed a lot of spiders with expensive frizz-control hairspray before.

8. Douse it with a cup of water

Sometimes a spider comes out of nowhere, and worried that it’ll get away before you can get a tissue/a shoe/Raid, all you’ve got is a cup of water. THROW THAT CUP OF WATER OVER THE SPIDER! SPIDERS CANNOT SWIM! But like, don’t do this inside, while sitting on your couch. That’s a bad idea.

9. Corner it onto a piece of paper, get it onto the paper, and then throw it out the window

This one is hard, tbh. First, you need a piece of paper, and then you need to be brave enough to get close enough to the spider, and hope and pray it makes it onto the piece of paper, and doesn’t scurry away in the opposite direction. Then you need to walk towards a window, once again hoping and praying that the spider doesn’t start crawling on the paper towards you, and maybe to your hand, and then up your arm, and oh boy. Actually, don’t try this one at home.


10. Ignore it, and hope it dies of natural causes

No time like the present to start a symbiotic relationship with this spider!

11. Scream

This one will not actually do anything. Sorry 😕

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