HBO
Bronwyn Isaac
March 22, 2017 3:18 pm

All too often it can feel like sleep is nothing but a cruel tease, continually seducing us with promises of rest and relaxation that we’re too anxious to access in the first place. Luckily for us, the mattress company Casper launched a hotline for insomniacs and their methods of lulling us to sleep are delightfully bizarre.

In the rare case you’ve ever daydreamed of Steve Urkel singing you to sleep (we totally feel you), Casper has your back (get it?! they’re a mattress company!). The next time you find yourself wide awake in bed, mulling over the terrors of the world, all you gotta do is call the Casper hotline and you’ll be thoroughly entertained until you pass out.

Wait, so, how does it work?!

The first step is calling 888-890-2040 (it’s free), then the rest is a surreal dreamland of options.

Check out this acid flashback inducing (unbranded) plug.

Once you’ve dialed in, you’ll have a few options (depending on the mood of your insomnia). Press 1, if you want to hear sounds of the ocean. Press 3 if you want to time travel to the ’90s (BUT HOW?!). Press 7 to learn the history of the cocktail wiener (something we’ve all been dying to know).

The option you’ve all been waiting for: Press 8 to hear STEVE URKEL sing you a lullaby.

Hint: It’s a classic about stars.

via giphy

If Steve Urkel just gets you more revved up about life, you can press 9 to chat with the people from Casper who dreamed up this cure to insomnia.

The final option, is to press 10 and get connected to a guy named John who’s low-key pissed you’re still on the line.

If you’re curious what happens when you dial 2, 4, 5, or 6, you’ll just have to call the hotline for yourself at 888-890-2040 to find out what the deal is.

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