So you know the Roomba, otherwise known as the closest proof we have that humans are able to create ~futuristic~ technology? Well we just heard the grossest story about the device probably ever. It’s so disturbing that we aren’t sure we’ll ever look at the innocent little vacuums the same way ever again.
Jesse Newton of Arkansas shared his Roomba troubles, and we were practically crying.
“So, last week, something pretty tragic happened in our household. It’s taken me until now to wrap my head around it and find the words to describe the horror. It started off simple enough – something that’s probably happened to most of you.”
This can’t end well.
“Sometime between midnight and 1:30am, our puppy Evie pooped on our rug in the living room. This is the only time she’s done this, so it’s probably just because we forgot to let her out before we went to bed that night. We were asleep, so how do I know that time frame? Why, friends, that’s because our Roomba runs at 1:30am every night, while we sleep.”
“And it found the poop. And so begins the Pooptastrophe. The poohpocalypse. The pooppening.”
“Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop. If the unthinkable does happen, and your Roomba runs over dog poop, stop it immediately and do not let it continue the cleaning cycle. Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.”
We’re going to vomit.
“Then, when your four-year-old gets up at 3am to crawl into your bed, you’ll wonder why he smells like dog poop. And you’ll walk into the living room. And you’ll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty. And you’ll see a brown-encrusted, vaguely Roomba-shaped thing sitting in the middle of the floor with a glowing green light, like everything’s okay. Like it’s proud of itself.”
Um, excuse me? What?!
Luckily, things ended up okay.
“But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. After spending a week researching how to fix this damn $400 Roomba without spending $400 again – including refurb units, new motherboards, and new batteries – you finally decide to call the place where you bought it. That place called Hammacher Schlemmer. They have a funny name, but they have an awesome warranty. They claim it’s for life, and it’s for any reason.”
…er, as okay as they could be when your roomba spreads poop all over your house. Still. The grossest story in the history of robot vacuums could have been worse, somehow!
The grossest story ever went totally viral.
Apparently we love when Roombas go wrong, because LOLZ.
With nearly 140k likes, 260k shares, and 340 comments expressing a mixture of horror and hilarity, the post has gone totally viral, and caused many of us to shoot “please oh please never do this to me” glances at our Roombas. Your move, Roomba. Your move.