Kayli Stollak
February 27, 2012 2:00 am

My grandma is part Larry David part Joan Rivers. She’s not the sweet-talking, cookie baking, crocheting type. She’s a shit talking, adventure seeking, gossipy yenta. Her wit, humor and unending opinions never cease to entertain me. We share an offbeat sense of humor with a brassy temperament – and like me, she is single.

Last summer, when my four-year relationship fell apart, I called my granny for support. I wasn’t looking for empowering words, but rather I was in need of her sassy trash-talking rants. With her thick Jewish-New Yorker accent, she quickly turned my sweet ex into the most undesirable piece of scum. “Oy, he was too old for ya. What is he, a pervert?” I laughed back tears. “Honestly, did ya see what he wore for Thanksgiving? Who does he think he is? That kid from High School Musical?”

I’ve spent the last year bouncing around, casually dating, engaging in steamy hook ups, getting involved to just get involved and being alone. I’m 24 and ready to move forward.  I live in New York, I’m attractive, outgoing and smart (Granny blows a lot of steam up my ass, hence my inflated ego). I’m always meeting men, yet I haven’t met anyone who I really connect with or could see myself being in a relationship with.

Granny has been on her own for decades. It’s time for her to meet someone; she’s too entertaining to be alone. This lady needs an audience. However, she would rather get a root canal than attend a senior mixer or join one of the many groups for people her age in her home of sunny south Florida. The last romantic rendezvous she went on in years soured her taste to the whole dating scene. It was a blind date, where over fondue, her 80+ elderly escort revealed that he was a very good kisser but in fact kissing was all the lust his body could express in his old age. Although I don’t really believe her, she insists she had to physically carry him out of the restaurant because he was too old to walk.

When my older sister (or as Granny shamelessly refers to her, the “favorite granddaughter”) met her boyfriend online dating last year, Granny and me were horrified yet secretly intrigued. It’s 2011, right? Those Match.com commercials advertising that 1 out of 5 relationships start online can really get to you.

After much deliberation and some serious coaxing, Granny and I have decided to check out what the kids are up to these days. We are joining the world wide web of dating. Being that we are both fiercely independent, we’re not looking for someone to complete us. We’re complete already. It would just be nice for us to each meet men with common interests to flirt, have fun, and gossip with each other about.

So, it’s happening. We’re doing it. We’re putting it out there. We are online dating and Granny is my wingman.

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