Selfies have quickly become the most controversial fad of our time, which is surprising considering some of the preposterous trends young-uns are coming up with these days. (Don’t look up “The Eraser Game” unless you want to see the future of our planet crumble beneath the ridiculousness of the rising generation.) What started as a simple craze, though, has transformed into an unstoppable mega-beast, mutating into new forms before our very eyes. Now, posting a regular selfie is not enough, not when there are a handful of new, subject-specific selfies out there just waiting to be uploaded to Instagram. For example:
Pelfie: a pet selfie
Pet owners in 2014 are contractually obligated to snap a photo of their companion 1 to 2 times a day and upload it to a social media outlet in order to preserve the Internet’s delicate balance of cute animal pictures and mindless procrastination tools (a category that is rapidly growing thanks to BuzzFeed’s addictive “sliding picture” listicles). Ignoring these conditions will result in the immediate termination of your pet owner contract and your cat/dog/turtle/teacup pig will be given to someone who can give it the attention/camera time it deserves. All of this is speculation, of course, but it seems plausible enough.
Belfie: a butt selfie
No college party is complete without a group belfie picture. This type of selfie usually involves a bunch of girls (or guys) standing in a line with their backside angled ever so slightly towards the camera, enough to accentuate said-person’s curves without making the pose look too staged.
Felfie: a funeral selfie
Frankly, I don’t want to discuss felfies because, like mass murderers and unstable celebrities, I don’t want to feed its popularity by giving it coverage, but this is a comprehensive glossary of selfie terms, so if I exclude it, I run the risk of finding a user comment about how I forgot to discuss felfie and I don’t have time for that kind of drama. A felfie is a funeral selfie. There. I said it.
Drelfie: a drunk selfie
If you find a picture on your phone that you don’t remember taking or is so blurry, it looks like a five-year-old’s watercolor painting of fireworks, then you have probably stumbled upon a drelfie. Drelfies are born in the backs of cabs or in darkness of night clubs, where strangers suddenly become friends and try to squeeze a room full of people into a hand-sized iPhone display.
Helfie: hair selfie
Some people are born with dashing good looks, a high IQ, or excellent phone etiquette. Others have all of those things and great hair.
When you have locks like that, not distributing pictures of it on social media platform is basically a crime.
Shelfie: a picture of one’s bookshelf
As a shelfie advocate, I can easily say this is my favorite mutation of selfie, mostly because I can participate without having to spend 20 minutes trying to tame my bangs. Shelfies refer to pictures of artistically decorated bookshelves, not pictures of you and your books (though no one is stopping you from sharing those either).
Welfie: a work-out selfie
Fact: Only fifty percent of welfie pictures actually show someone working out. The other fifty percent features photos of protein powder jugs big enough to hold a young elephant or a small African country. They are also usually accompanied by hashtags like #musclemonday or #legday or #mybicepslooklikeballoons.
Usie/Ussie: a group selfie
Officially new this week, the only reason this variation is called “ussie” is because “groupie” was already taken, but that doesn’t excuse how ridiculous it sounds when you say it out loud. Ever since Ellen Degeneres broke Twitter with her star-studded Oscars selfie, people around the world have tried to recreate her magical “ussie.”
Youie: selfie of another person
A youie is a selfie of another person. In other words, A REGULAR PICTURE. Yes, readers of the future. There once was a time where people actually used cameras to take pictures of other people. No, you were not in them. Not even a little. No, you didn’t photoshop yourself in later. Please stop asking.
Wealth-fie: a rich-person selfie
The easiest way to describe a wealth-fie (a term coined by Thought Catalog writer Zaron Burnett III) would be to direct you to the “Rich Kids of Instagram” page, but because I know not everyone wants to scroll through pictures of teenagers flaunting their specialty iPhone cases and Bugattis, I’ll describe the phenomena here. A wealth-fie is simply a selfie that incorporates an expensive item, like a car or a house or a toilet seat made of diamonds, for the purpose of showing off. It’s one type of selfie I can’t get behind, no matter how much I want to see a golden Xbox console or a private bowling alley in some kid’s basement.
As extensive as this glossary is, I know I couldn’t have possibly covered all the variations, so tell me: what are some other types of selfies? Feel free to make some up, as long as they have more creative names than “youie” or “ussie.”