Maybe you’ve seen this news item pop up on your Facebook feed (it’s been ALL over mine since yesterday): “Ship Your Enemies Glitter, A New Service That Offers To Send Hard To Clean Crafting Supplies To One’s Adversaries.”
“Ship Your Enemies Glitter,” a brand-new venture from our plotting and scheming friends down under, will send an envelope of all-but-impossible-to-clean glitter to an ex, a frenemy, your middle school bully, basically anyone that ever did you wrong who you feel still deserves their comeuppance, all for the low, low fee of $9.99 Australian dollars (that’s $8.14 for those of us in the USA). As they explain on their site:
“We f—ing hate glitter. People call it the herpes of the craft world. What we hate more though are the soulless people who get their jollies off by sending glitter in envelopes.
So pay us money, provide an address anywhere in the world & we’ll send them so much glitter in an envelope that they’ll be finding that s–t everywhere for weeks. We’ll also include a note telling the person exactly why they’re receiving this terrible gift. Hint: the glitter will be mixed in with the note thus increasing maximum spillage.”
Hold up. There’s a major flaw in this campaign. Here’s the deal, if I received an envelope of glitter in the mail, my first thought wouldn’t be “Oh no! I have a secret enemy somewhere plotting my untimely demise!” I mean, that’s going to be my first thought NOW that I’m all caught up and in the loop about “Ship Your Enemies Glitter” mission to right all wrongs via craft supplies.
But had I been away from my Facebook feed for a few days (I think that’s what happens when you have a life, or so I’ve heard), missed this item, and then down the line received an envelope jam-packed with glitter, my first thought probably would have been “Which of my silly friends has sent me a party in an envelope to sparkle up my day?”
Granted, I have easy-to-clean hardwood floors that laugh in the face of a glitter envelope. Still, I’m just having a hard time seeing how an envelope full of glitter really screams “YOU ARE MY WORST ENEMY, TAKE THIS, YOU FIEND, REVENGE FOR ALL OF TIME!” Glitter is a little inconvenient, totally, it has but that’s the price we pay for how FUN it is. I’d totally send glitter to my friends. Maybe they’d use it for their next crafting project. Or, maybe it would just serve as a reminder to them that glitter exists and that, friends, is awesome.
In fact, if you came-of-age in the ’90s, you practically bathed in glitter—every item of makeup of we owned intentionally sparkled. And don’t even get me started on the wonder of Mariah Carey’s movie of the same name. Look, glitter is the closest thing we’ve got to fairy dust. It may not do much more than get stuck on your face when you’re trying to look all professional, but it still feels like a party (or a ’90s rave) whenever it’s around.
So glitter, your reputation may come out of this prank-gone-viral a little worse for wear, but never fear, I swear upon all party supplies that I will find a way to restore you to your natural glory if it is the last thing I do.