Nicole Paulhus
January 29, 2012 4:00 am

Dear Facebook Friend,

We met for exactly two minutes five years ago. Within an hour of our meeting, I received a friend request. After the many mentions of your MySpace page and one look at your crazy eyes, I knew this was an offer I couldn’t refuse. I accepted your “friendship” immediately. For five years I have watched the ups and downs of your dramatic life unfold on my news feed. You post with the unfiltered passion of a teen girl scribbling in her diary and for that I am grateful. There is nothing I hate more on Facebook than cryptic statuses. If you’re going to air your dirty laundry to the world, you had better include the deets and oh, the deets you do include. Your life has become my favorite reality show and I pray it never gets canceled.

I’ve followed along as you battled the “haters” during your pregnancy. I watched as pictures of your child were posted mere moments after his birth (that’s dedication to your fans). I rooted for you during the on-again off-again relationship with your baby’s father. I was glad to see you had 27 comments and 40 “Likes” when you announced once and for all that the wedding was canceled and changed your status to “Single”. It was a lovely dress, though – I hope you were able to sell it.

I feel as though I’ve watched your child grow. This is probably due to the fact that you’ve posted every moment of his life online. He is adorable and I completely agree that you are his mother and no other woman should have him call her “mom”. That’s totally inappropriate and I’m glad you put your foot down in the form of an angry Facebook status. That’s really the only mature route when confronted with this type of situation. You tell ’em!

However, over the past few months, your life seems to have really come together. You just got engaged to a new guy, you’ve started house hunting and it seems like you’re really happy. That’s great, but here’s the deal: happy doesn’t make for good entertainment. Just ask the ladies on The Hills. No one wants to watch someone plan a wedding or house hunt on Facebook. We have Say Yes To The Dress and House Hunters for that. Your viewers are used to a certain level of drama and you’re just not providing the type of programming we’re used to. If you could just slip in an occasional rant or dramatic song lyric we’d feel much better. Thanks a billion and I can’t wait to see where the next five seasons take us!

Your Forever “Friend”,

Nicole

Advertisement