Whole Foods is incredibly wonderful, but incredibly dangerous. If you think you are stopping for a carton of milk and trail mix, you are just lying to yourself. It takes unimaginable willpower and strength to not leave Whole Foods without a fresh squeezed juice, an exotic kale salad, soap that smells like gingerbread wildflowers (I just made that up, whatever) and, like, fifty other gorgeously presented organic and GMO free products in aesthetically pleasing boxes and bags.
Before I started writing this, I consulted my really good friend who used to work for the Whole Foods marketing team in Chicago, Emily Rose Larsen. She’s awesome and she is a Whole Foods guru. I also took a trip to Whole Foods. “I’ll just write this off on my taxes. I have to do this. I have to do this for HelloGiggles,” I whispered to myself as I passed the 20 different brands of all-natural, organic bottles of agave. I ended up completely filling up my grocery cart even though I went grocery shopping three days ago, and ate my entire bag of raspberry chocolate almond trail mix while I sat in traffic. Oh, Whole Foods, you temptress.
For anyone who has an unhealthy obsession with the health and glory that is Whole Foods, here is what your cart (probably) says about you:
This liquid nebula of fermented tea contains tons of probiotics, and no matter how weird the texture is, or how many times you think you’re going to throw up after drinking it, you still make sure to pick up a couple of bottles because it does awesome things for your body. Or at least you think it does. Kombucha is very important to you. Almost as important as your hot yoga class and your favorite sweatshop-free hoodie!
Organic black bean rotini
You read somewhere that carbs are evil, but you can’t give up pasta! You can take the pasta outta the girl, but you can’t take the girl outta the pasta! Or something.
You scoff at anyone eating Sabra, and if you had more time, you would be making your own hummus from scratch. You probably own three pairs of Toms and have considered going vegetarian at least fifteen times in the last two months.
Snacks in bulk
Who needs Cheez Its or Quaker Oats? Unhealthy, processed scam, much? At Whole Foods, every single grain, nut, or crunchy morsel is available and you can pick up a scoop (if you’re feeling self-disciplined that day) or pretty much the entire barrel. You like making things from scratch and are suspicious of foods with more than three ingredients. You have read all of Michael Pollan’s work. Ugh, what a genius.
PJ’s Breakfast burrito
I actually discovered this convenient morning meal on Hellogiggles from one of my amazing editors, Chrissa. These are delicious. And perfect if you don’t exactly have the time to whip up an eggs benedict in the morning, but still want a nutritious, filling meal. You workaholic, you.
Jeni’s Brambleberry Crisp ice cream
You enjoy the finer things in life, like $13 dollar decadent ice-cream that tastes like butter and berry pie. Your apartment looks like a page from a Crate and Barrel catalog and your kids have a better taste in fashion than the Kardashians.
Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap
Certified fair trade and organic, this soap cleans you and makes you smell like an herb garden. If this is your soap of choice, you are an environmentalist at heart. You recycle and sometimes you even time your showers! For twenty minutes.
Coconut curry cashews
Your ideal vacation spot is Thailand or India, and some say you’re an adventureaholic. You also buy Trader Joe’s Thai Lime Chili Cashews when you’re feeling a little more saucy!
Raw Coconut Water
You’re probably one of those people that tells everyone your skin is flawless because you drink a lot of water (lies! It’s because you drink COCONUT WATER!).
Locally baked gluten free cookies
You’re either gluten-intolerant (or have Celiac’s) or you seriously just like the way gluten-free stuff tastes. I get it, girl. Gluten-free cookies are lighter than normal cookies and you don’t feel like you’ve ingested five sticks of butter and flour.
You just re-blogged that one quote that reminds everyone Beyoncé has the same hours in a day as you. You solely wear Lulu Lemon leggings and you often take selfies at the gym with caption #noexcuses.
You enjoyed a glass of wine or two or three last night (And three tacos. And chips. And maybe some chocolates still hanging around from Valentine’s Day, oops) but not to fear! Detox salad is here!
You bike to work and probably wear Birkenstocks. You haven’t eaten an animal product since you saw Forks Over Knives in a nutrition class in college. You were dating a guy but dumped him because he wouldn’t sell his car with a leather interior.
You most likely subscribe to GOOP and you own like ten Tracy Anderson DVDs. You tell everyone you LOVE veggies but really you can only handle beet juice. That’s okay. Beet juice is awesome.
Self-churned nut butters
When it was time to make ice-cream at camp with Ziploc bags, milk, and ice-cubes, you were ALL ABOUT IT. You also dabble in DIY crafts you find on Pinterest. Last week, you made DIY toilet cleaner out of lemons and it was amazing, if you do say so yourself.
Coconut oil in your salad, coconut oil when you’re baking, coconut oil for your hair, coconut oil for your skin, coconut oil as perfume –coconut oil is the most multipurpose elixir ever created. Thank you, Coconut Gods. You’re most likely a frugal gal; you don’t fall for beauty products that cost more than ten bucks. You’re innovative, and whenever your skin starts to feel slightly dry, you reach for your handy dandy jar of coconut oil!
What are some of your favorite Whole Foods products?!