How to Tell If You’re A Birthdayzilla
We all have that friend. You know, the one who treats their birthday like a wedding?
Sure, they’ll joke about it. Make light about it. Send you a Paperless Post followed up by several “lighthearted” g-chats like, “hey! Are you coming to my birthday dinner? LOL.” That LOL is ridden with, “I’m trying to come across as easy-going and fun, but seriously if you don’t come to my birthday dinner, you are dead to me.”
Congrats! Your friend is Birthdayzilla.
Someone who takes their birthday VERY seriously. It’s not a birth “day,” no it’s a birth “month.” They are typically clad with a tiara, sash and or wand. They often use the excuse, “but it’s my birthday,” to practically get away with murder. If you cross them on their day, they will turn into a monster.
Don’t be this person. Here are some ways to help you determine if you are dealing with or *gasp* you are a Birthdayzilla:
1. Your celebration is inconvenient and difficult to get to, but you take it really personally when no one shows up.
The king of this is Moses Storm AKA that guy who tried to have his birthday at the Chilli’s To Go in LAX. Guests were required to not only go to the airport for this birthday, but to also purchase a plane ticket to attend. No one. Not even his mom showed up.
2. You expect people to spend a lot of money on your day.
We’re not high school any more. You’ve been mitzvahed, Sweet 16ed, pretended your 21st birthday was the first time you had a drink. Calm down. If people around your age are starting to get married, I think it’s time you stop insisting that your 30 closest friends join you for a sixty dollar a plate sit down dinner because you turned twenty something.
3. You’ve cried at least once.
That song is on loop in your head. There’s no crying on birthdays! Celebrate instead of sulk.
4. Getting Mad When People Forget It’s Your Birthday
You should do nice things for your friends because you genuinely want to, not because you’re anticipating how they will repay you.
5. Using the Excuse “but it’s my birthday,” more than once
Especially if you use this excuse for days that are not your actual birthday.
6. Getting upset when attention is diverted away from you on your day.
Michael Scott is the ultimate Birthdayzilla. Remember when he got upset how the office was more concerned about Kevin’s skin cancer test results then they were about his day of birth? Don’t be this person.
7. Pretending you don’t care but then getting mad when no one throws you a surprise party.
I’ve done this. I always secretly hope that when my friends say they’re going, “out of town,” for my birthday in the middle of July, they’re actually secretly planning my surprise party. This never happens. This delusion can best be explained by, “Cupcake Syndrome.”
Brought on by a summer birthday that happens off the school calendar. Sufferers have a nostalgic feeling of abandonment around their day of birth, since they were never able to bring cupcakes to school on their actual birthday. Side effects include saying stuff like, “I hate my birthday,” when really you know they are just dying for birthday attention.
In the great words of Ron Swanson:
If New Year’s taught me anything, sometimes the best celebrations involve the least amount of production.
If it is your birthday, Happy Birthday. Have fun. But for the sake of your friends, please don’t be a nightmare.