Marti Schodt
March 29, 2015 7:00 am

Having long hair is not dissimilar to owning a tiny white show dog. Both require constant attention, thorough washing, nightly brushing, and consistent praise for the simple act of cooperating. Going out in the rain requires heavy planning, and strangers think it’s totally acceptable to pet without permission (It’s not. Stop it). There’s lots of shedding and whining and getting ready for any event requires a small pit crew of brushes, blow dryers, bobby pins, and expensive styling gels that smell like lavender but feel like slime dipped slime.

The long-haired life is not for the faint of heart, and if you’ve ever decided to “grow it out” you know these struggles to be true:

1. You have very unrealistic hair goals

You were going for majestic princess of Narnia and you ended up with Wayne of Wayne’s World and nothing makes sense anymore.

2. There’s makeup all up in your hair

You finish your makeup and are feeling freaking fierce until you look closer in the mirror and realize that there’s foundation in your bangs, eye liner on your tips, and lipstick in the pretty middle part you were planning on braiding.

3. You are suddenly ruler of a large kingdom of hairballs

There’s hair under the bed, there’s hair on your clothes, there’s hair in the drain, and there’s hair all over your bae. Maybe bae won’t notice? (bae will)

4. Exercising is always interesting

Sometimes you get face slapped by a sweaty pony tail, sometimes you move a little too vigorously and your hair gets trapped in your armpit, sometimes the sweat forms a kind of glue and you need a jackhammer to get the knots out, and sometimes, on the worst of days, your hair tie breaks and then everything completely falls apart.

5. It’s a knot, knot, knot world

Having long hair means being able to luxuriously run your fingers through it*

*or not.

6. Zippers are the ultimate danger zone

You were cold and foolishly decided to put on a jacket and now you will die in this jacket because your hair has become one with the zipper.

7. There’s food in your hair

You best bun it up unless you like ketchup dipped tips.

8. There’s hair in your food

Nothing like expecting a bite of burger and getting a bite of burger with stringy surprise.

9. Getting in and out of cars in a tricky business

For some reason your body is inside the car but your hair got stuck in transport and didn’t quite make it.

10. By the time you finish blowdrying your hair you’re too tired to go out

Five minutes, ten minutes, now it’s been an hour… and you’re still damp.

11. You accidentally slap yourself or innocent bystanders with your ponytail on a regular basis

Ponytails are the most underrated weapon in the world. One wrong turn and you’ve got a mouth full of hair and an angry bus goer.

12. Wind is your personal nemesis

You finally tamed the beast and then you step outside and whooosh wind strikes again.

14. Washing your hair is exhausting

So much shampoo. So much conditioner. So much time that could be spent with family and friends (or Netflix). Maybe you could just wear a hat. . . again.

15. Hair ties just don’t get you

Twice around and it’s too loose. Three times around and it snaps it your hand like a broken promise.

16. People frequently ask you when you’re going to cut it

WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, OK?

17. You feel like you’re singlehandedly bankrolling the conditioner industry

Haven’t I given you enough already?

18. Everybody wants to play with it

“Can I braid your hair?” “Can I curl your hair?” “Can I absentmindedly stroke your head while you’re trying to watch your stories?”

19. Sometimes your hair falls in a certain place on your back and it feels just like a spider crawling down your spine

*Screams*

20. Medusa has nothing on your bed head

You woke up like this (with hair in your mouth)

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