Police Arrest Man For Craving a Hamburger?

Are you over being forced to choose between Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lawrence? Well, it’s okay to admit you like them both. For that matter, maybe you’re not a fan of either. Regardless, this debate is sure to rage on as these two new Oscar winners continue to build upon their already impressive resumes.

However, if you’re ready for a little break from all the Oscar post-mortem, then you’re in luck because a new weekend is here! So, great ready to celebrate the arrival of March with another edition of “The Week In WHAT?!”

I Need a Cheeseburger! What Do You Mean This Isn’t An Emergency? Perhaps this is why Leslie Knope fought so hard against opening yet another Paunch Burger in Pawnee. Police in New Castle, Indiana arrested a man after he continuously dialed 911 in search of a juicy cheeseburger to combat a harsh case of the munchies. No… it was NOT David Hasselhoff. After nine calls to the emergency hotline, police sprung into action and arrested the man, who had a warrant out for his arrest for failing to appear at a previously scheduled court hearing. The Henry County Sheriff later revealed the dinner for those locked up that evening consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The Hamburglar could not be reached for comment.

More Like King of Bull? A disgruntled group of beer drinkers is suing Anheuser-Busch for five million dollars, claiming the brewery is watering down Budweiser and other popular beverages. According to attorney Josh Boxer, former AB InBev employees revealed that the organization adds more water during the final production stages, which decreases the overall alcohol content of the beer by three to eight percent. Sound insignificant? Not so to plaintiffs Thomas and Gerald Greenberg, Nina Giampoli, and Brian Wilson, all of whom each say they purchase at least a case of AB InBev beers each month. Suffice to say their “expertise” is the result of pretty extensive research.

Simple Copywriting Fail… or Work of the Tasmanian Devil? Hoping to get the message across to prospective drunk drivers and their designated Daves, the Tasmanian police force painted the vans it uses to administer breathalyzer tests with a new slogan: “real mates don’t let mates drink drive.” Anyone would be hard pressed to find another meaning in those words beyond the blatantly obvious anti-drunk driving sentiment. That is, until they open the sliding door on the van and the message transforms into something completely different: “real mates drink drive.” OOPS! Sounds more like “real mates drink paint.” Ugh, that’s not what I meant!

Something Gross Is Lurking In New Jersey New Jersey may be more awesome than some people give it credit for, but you know what’s not awesome? FREAKY SEA MONSTERS POPPING UP IN LOCAL RIVERS. That’s the discovery Doug Cutler made two summers ago while bow-and-arrow fishing (what? that’s not a thing anymore?) along the Raritan River. Okay, so he didn’t capture the mythical creature vaguely referred to as the sea monster. In fact, it’s more than likely a rather scary looking parasite known as the sea lamprey, which uses its disgustingly spiky teeth to latch on to prey. If you haven’t seen it yet, then click at your own risk. You might want to wait until you’ve fully digested your most recent meal.

And there you have this week in “WHAT?!” Can’t wait to see what’s in store for humanity next!

Image via Cracked.