From Our Readers
October 19, 2014 2:00 pm

There’s no denying the unconditional love most of us have towards pizza. It’s a great delicacy that brings joy and happiness to our lives. Stories have been written about it (Princess and the Pizza anyone?), hipster tees have been created from it, and it’s the Ninja Turtles’ favorite go-to dish. Yet, despite the awesomeness that derives from pizza, there can be problems that come along with this delectable food which most of us experience on a daily basis. Here are some of them :

The Waiting Time

When it comes to pizza, waiting for this glorious food to be ready (or served) can become very distressing. Whether it be anticipating for the arrival of the delivery guy or for your favorite Dr. Oetker pizza (better yet known as frozen pizza) to bake, when your hunger is at an all time high, waiting for pizza can bring out the worst in you. So much so that emotions are heightened and three initial phases that showcase your impending frustration are experienced during the waiting period. Let’s run through the phases shall we?

First is the initial anxiety-ridden phase. Your appetite increases every minute and you find yourself pacing back and forth like an expecting parent awaiting the birth of your child but the only child in this case happens to be in the cheesy shape of doughy goodness.

The Grumpiness Stage

In this stage, brash name calling and emotional outbursts are most likely to take place. Re-enactments of Grumpy Cat meets Bitchy Resting Face occur during this stage as well.

Final phase is Lethargy: All that pacing eventually wears you down and all you can think of is resting somewhere. If you’re waiting, chances are you’ll probably be close to the oven so you can take in the scent and feel the warmth permeating through the oven door, or (hopefully) near the front door, awaiting the pizza delivery dude to finally arrive.

The Psychological Warfare that occurs when sharing a pizza

Eating an entire pizza to yourself is truly a luxury, but when it’s shared it can become a psychological warfare. Once the initial slice of pizza gets in touch with your taste buds, you shift to eagle-eyed mode and already start to pick out your next slice. With your eyes on the prize you’re observing the speed and frequency of everyone’s intake, hoping they don’t grab your next chosen slice because God forbid they take that extra cheesy one with the surplus toppings, you’ll be burning with fury.

The Pizza Drag

One of pizza’s biggest letdowns is the pizza drag. Everyone knows the best part about pizza is taking in that first bite. Now imagine the disappointment when you take in the initial bite and all that zesty cheese, bacon, pepperoni and mushroom slides right off. Sure it may taste amazing at first, but once it’s gone all you’re left with is a bare, empty canvas of dough and sauce. Not only do you feel cheated, but your primary pizza experience is ruined. For shame.

The Fork and Knife Dilemma

Most of the time this applies only in restaurants but sometimes you’ll experience a fork and knife dilemma occurring at a family or friend’s dinner table. What’s a hungry pizza enthusiast to do with a fork and knife when all you can think of doing is grabbing that zesty slice of pizza in the palms of your hands and indulging in it like it’s the last slice on earth? In your mind, you can’t grasp the idea of using these torture devices (better yet known as fork and knives) but out of proper etiquette you feel inclined to do so. Sure, they’re necessary for a lot of meals, but pizza? Come on now. Everyone knows it takes away the gratifying experience of taking it all in without resorting to petty, small bites. Best plan of action: opt out and eat your pizza the way it was meant to be eaten: with your hands or folded in half (NYC style). Keep it classy by occasionally using the fancypants utensils to feed your dog some table scraps.

The Crust

The crust is responsible for 1/3 of the pizza eating experience. When it has a solid combination of soft pillowy consistency without being too bread-y, all is well but when it’s too soggy or burnt it can ruin the pizza eating experience entirely. Thanks to endless distractions (hello Netflix binging) most of the time we’re responsible for the burnt crusts while other times it’s the Big Dogs (aka Dominoes, Pizza Hut, etc.) who are at fault. Let’s face it, when we can’t enjoy the crust, 1/3 of our pizza eating experience is ruined. All we can do is make the best of it by offering some to our canine friends. Or dipping it in copious amounts of ranch/that garlic-butter potion Papa John’s always includes.

Burning Palette

Your gluttonous desire for pizza will make you inhabit the role of Fat Bastard from Austin Powers where all you can think about is getting “the food in your belleh NOW” and as a result of your eager beaver ways you’re plagued with a burnt palette. After the unfortunate incident, you spend a remainder of your time flicking your tongue up against the dead skin that’s hanging from your palette (don’t deny it — we’re all guilty of this) and afterwards it’ll become a vicious cycle until recovery mode period forces you to refrain from this weird, indulgent fixation/pizza injury.

The Thirsty Phenomenon

After you enjoyed that oh-so-hearty pizza with the 3 cheese toppings and you’re left feeling comfortably satisfied, dehydration starts to kick in. Next thing you know, all those extra cheesy toppings you ordered are leaving your mouth dry and aching for liquid. What starts off as a few sips ends up turning into a few empty water bottles. Your dehydration even ends up waking you up from a deep sleep, where you feel like you spent a day in the Sahara desert when the Sahara is your mouth. It’s a real problem, folks.

Leftovers

To eat or not to eat? Eat it now, save some, put a Post-it with your name on it, mark your territory and know that this pizza is yours? Anyone who has siblings knows that leftover pizza can cause unnecessary conflicts to arise.

Saucy Overload

What’s worse than an overly saucy pizza running down your mouth then later giving you heartburn? Not much. Acidic overdrive is kind of a buzzkill and nobody wants to spend the remainder of their time swallowing down Pepto Bismols and Tums like it’s nobody’s business.

Gone Baby Gone

After the leftovers have left the premises of your fridge and entered your belly, the inevitable case of yearning for more starts to take place. You can’t even watch an episode of The Mindy Project without craving some bite of your favorite delight. What’s a pizza enthusiast to do at this point? Simple: pause your Netflix, pick up the phone and indulge in some more. (the slant-rhyming was actually unintentional LOL).

With a wide-eyed curiosity and disposition towards all things quirky, Andrea Arrizza is a freelance writer who likes to explore, observe and channel her thoughts through the medium of writing. She’s written for a variety of websites including Elite Daily, Thought Catalog and Urban Expressions. When she’s not spending her days living inside her head, she enjoys living up to her role as a pizza enthusiast and exchanging positive vibes with good company.

(Image via)

Advertisement