Rachel Paige
July 02, 2015 2:10 pm

After seven months, we’ve got the first big food-induced scandal of 2015 on our hands. GuacamoleGate. This is real, people, and lines are being drawn in the sand. This issue is so big, even the President of the United States has weighed in on the growing turmoil. So how did we get to this point, and how long will this long national nightmare go on?

OK [deep breath] here’s the sitch. You like guacamole, right? Remember a while back when Chipotle released their guacamole recipe? That was nice. Remember even further back when we learned Jack White’s special guacamole recipe? That was cool, too. This current guacamole issue is kinda like those, but actually way worse and might be one of the signs of the apocalypse JUST SAYING.

Ready for this? The Pulitzer Prize winning New York Times thinks that — I still don’t think your ready for this, so just like, sit down for a second — the NYT thinks that PEAS should go into guacamole. PEAS. Those little green circular things found in PODS. In GUAC.

On Wednesday, the NYT tweeted that it’d be a good idea to put peas in guacamole. They end their tweet with “trust us,” and the link brings us to a recipe for Green Pea Guacamole, and explains that, “adding fresh English peas to what is an otherwise fairly traditional guacamole is one of those radical moves that is also completely obvious after you taste it.”

So, um, this is awkward, but we’re gonna politely agree to disagree on this one, NYT.

Almost instantaneously, there was outcry. Like, intense opposition. Rightfully so, because like, peas? Come on. President Obama even happened to be in the middle of a Q&A Twitter session about health care, but took time out of THAT to address GuacamoleGate. He disagrees with it. So NYT, this recipe that you’re selling is never going to pass through the floor.

Republican candidate Jeb Bush is even against this idea, so look at this bipartisanship you’re creating NYT. LOOK AT IT.

The NYT has actually stepped up their peas-in-guac support, and continues to stand by their decision. They’re trying desperately to reassure us that it’s not that bad, and it tastes just like regular guac, but . . . but it’s not guac. Sorry, this is like really hard to wrap my head around. Has anyone tried it? Is anyone brave enough to try it? Please let us know.

In defense of peas, I actually do like them. I’m a pea fan. But peas in my guacamole? To borrow a line from food sage, Liz Lemon, “shut it down.” So in conclusion, hopefully this can be resolved swiftly. Let’s end with Chipotle’s words of encouragement during this tough time:

Stay strong, America. We can get through GuacamoleGate 2015 together.

[Images via Twitter]

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