How Do You Like Your Eggs? (And Other Very Serious Questions To Answer Before You Get Married)
Runaway Bride might be the first real chick flick I saw in a theater. I remember not entirely getting what the big deal was about Richard Gere, because I hadn’t seen Pretty Woman yet. I also remember the one scene that stuck with me from the movie: it’s when Julia Roberts’ character goes and tries every imaginable kind of egg. She’s always just ordered whatever kind of eggs her fiance at the time liked, and so she’s never known what kind of eggs she actually liked. I think it stuck with me because she concludes that she only likes her eggs Benedict, and at the time, I only liked mine scrambled, and I thought the idea of eating runny egg yolks was disgusting. Her choice still strikes me as weird, but only because at this point I will eat eggs in any form, and while I do love a good Benedict, I also like omelets and hardboiled egg sandwiches and the list goes on. Mostly, it still boggles my mind that anyone could not know how they like their eggs? They’re the cornerstone of brunch (the best meal), which pretty much makes them their own food group.
Eggs aside, it’s easy to get caught up in a relationship and slowly shift your preferences to those of your significant other, which is why I think there are certain important things you need to figure out while you’re single. Sure, before you get married there’s a bunch of boring standard stuff you need to have figured out, like if you want kids and how you’re going to spend your money and what to do when your parents get old. But there’s also a lot of way more important things you need to figure out, like:
What kind of pets do you like? There are dog people, who like unconditional love, and there are cat people, who know it’s way cooler to own an animal that almost certainly wants to kill you, but allows you to keep living anyway. But there are also snake people, turtle people, ferret people, etc. (I once dated a guy almost exclusively because he had a chinchilla.) The point is, you need to know what you like, so you don’t end up with something else, like my friend’s brother in law, who “wanted a dog…so they got two more cats.” Don’t be that guy. The trick is to get the pet you want now, and then whoever you end up with is stuck with you, and also the pet. (And whatever you do, don’t let your SO use something like “allergies” as an excuse. They’re all in the mind.)
Where do you grocery shop? I know this one sounds boring, but I want you to learn from my mistakes. I once dated a guy who didn’t like Trader Joe’s. (He also didn’t like Ikea, so apparently he just hated being able to buy cool stuff at reasonable prices.) And thus, I mostly stopped shopping at Trader Joe’s when he was around. This was pretty much a tragedy, because who else is going to sell me chocolate bars filled with cookie butter? No one, that’s who. Don’t be like me. Know where you like to buy things you eat, and don’t change that for anyone.
Which way do you put the toilet paper on the holder? There are two ways to do toilet paper – over (the right way) and under. Imagine if you had to spend the rest of your life with someone who did this the wrong way, and the tiny annoyance that builds up every time you have to deal with this. Figure out how you like it, and either force your SO to go along with it, or get a place with two bathrooms.
Do you camp? A lot of people like camping. I want to say I get this, but I don’t, because honestly, I believe if people were meant to be outside, we wouldn’t have invented inside, and also, I know for a fact that camping is how people get eaten by bears and/or the Blair Witch. For some reason, camping seems to be a major point of contention with people I date, and they keep trying to get me to like it, despite the fact that people who don’t camp are 100% less likely to be attacked by wolves than people who do. (Incidentally, in Runaway Bride, Julia is at one point engaged to a guy who wants to honeymoon while backpacking the Himalayas, which everyone knows is the best way to get buried in an avalanche and/or attacked by a yeti.) So know which way you stand on this issue, and find someone who agrees, or someone who’s willing to let you stay home while they go tempt fate.
What kind of milk do you drink? I’m pretty sure one of the largest perks of being in a relationship and/or having a family is the ability to buy an amount of milk, and use it all up before it goes bad. Being not a regular cereal eater but occasional Oreo-dipper and/or maker of frosting, I only ever need milk in very small quantities, the grocery store will never sell me less than a quart, and then it goes bad before I use it all. The problem with being in a relationship is the other person might attempt to convince you that 2% isn’t basically heavy cream (it is) or that skim tastes like water (it does not, it tastes like the only good kind of milk). Don’t listen to them. Know your milk preference, and stick with it, even if it means you have to buy two kinds and they both end up going bad.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, nor, as I have admitted, is it the most important. The bottom line is, know thyself. And enjoy your eggs, whichever way you prefer to eat them.
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