Eliza Hurwitz
February 25, 2012 5:00 am

The other day I was talking to someone and attempting to drink water at the same time but, unfortunately, multitasking during conversations is too much for me to handle. This was made abundantly evident by my drooling the drink as well as spilling it down my face and onto my shirt. Unattractive, yes. And I realized I do this quite frequently, not just during conversation but the majority of the time I drink a beverage. Perhaps I’m physically incapable of lining the cup up with my mouth, or maybe my mouth is focused on framing a conversation and won’t close all the way, preventing me from swallowing my drink. Anyway, the point is I have a drooling problem, so I’ve come up with some helpful solutions to this upsetting and messy situation.

Use Your Hands:

Create another cup like figure with the hand that is not holding your beverage, just below your mouth, in order to catch any drink remnants as they cascade from your mouth. This act requires dexterity, an ability to predict your spilling future or a defeatist attitude that anticipates and expects the spill before it happens.

In order to make this hand cup look natural, you’re going to want to make your hand appear as beautiful and gentle as possible. In the hand in which you’re holding the actual cup, your fingers should be pointed and soft, making them look graceful and delicate. You can also lift your pinky finger if you want to add some extra flair. Then, the most important hand, the hand cup, should be just below the real cup, right above your chin. It should be in almost a Vanna White presentation position. Just like Vanna White does on Wheel of Fortune, display your hand cup proudly, without fear. It’s ready to catch your drool while looking elegant and demure. If you follow these instructions, you will look like a graceful sculpture, a real work of art. If and when you do spill, the person you’re talking to will think it’s part of the presentation.

Use a Napkin and Make a New Friend:

This is perfect for those of you who are creative, crafty, and enjoy do it yourself activities. To create your napkin buddy, all you need to do is superglue a napkin to your cup, or all of your cups if you feel it is necessary. Add some panache to your napkin buddy by decorating it however you see fit. Some ideas include drawing your favorite bearded person, such as Abraham Lincoln, Sigmund Freud, Brad Pitt or Groundskeeper Willie on your cup and allow the napkin to be the beard. You could also draw your favorite animals on the cup and allow the napkin to be the mouth or nose of that animal. Another option is to cut out items of clothing you would like to have but can’t afford, glue them onto the napkin, and then create your fashion inspiration napkin buddy. Every time you drink with your, you’ll be reminded to save money so one day you and your napkin buddy can afford real clothes. Think of the napkin buddy as a friend, who is there for you, a drinking pal who can also catch your drool or sop up your fallen beverage.

You can even have parties with all of your napkin buddies. I suggest only inviting a few people, or even better, no real people because they might not appreciate or understand napkin buddies. This creation, just like your hand cup, also calls for a defeatist attitude. You know that you’re going to spill, you’ve accepted it, and with acceptance comes gorgeous cup wear.

Use Your Speed:

If you don’t have the agility or finger finesse to perfect the hand cup, and if you don’t have the desire or skill necessary to create multiple napkin buddies, you can always attempt to catch your drool using quick hands. Just make sure you are ready and prepared to take action every time you take a sip. Although this isn’t as fun or comforting as napkin buddies, catching your drink swiftly is a handy (pun intended!) skill to acquire. I suggest practicing at home until you perfect it. If you want, you can even add some hand cup flair, making your hand beautifully sculpted as it catches your saliva.

Use Your Willpower:

Another option is to not drink anything in front of people, ever. This way you’ll never run into this sort of problem. Your life may be waterless, but at least it will be one free of drooling dilemmas.

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