Sophia Elias
April 12, 2015 8:25 am

You know the saying “You are what you eat”? I’d like to challenge that old adage with this suggestion: You only are what you eat if your food imposes its issues onto you. You see, some foods just wanna make you feel as funky as they do. How many times have you felt like you were drowning in melted cheddar after scarfing down some mac and cheese? Yeah. Well, you know who else is drowning in cheddar? Mac and cheese — or at least the macaroni noodles — but you get my point.

This just goes to show that we can really relate to even the creamiest and dreamiest of food items, at least when we’ve gulped them down. Not that we’ll ever stop gulping them down, for the record.

The Cheeto

Cheetos (and/or any other snacks covered in cheese dust) are delicious, addicting and, unfortunately, messier than all hell. Much like your beloved Cheeto, you too will have cheese dust covering almost every inch of your body. Although your fingertips are the prime-time cheese dust magnets, there’s always a possibility that the cheese dust has settled around the perimeter of your mouth, on your lap or even in between the creases of your socks. And, since running water and moist towels aren’t always available at a moment’s notice, you might end up accumulating more cheese dust than any of the Cheetos you actually consumed.

The Burrito

Has your burrito ever looked up at you from its basket and said, “I’m exploding with beans and cheese”? Probably not. Have you ever looked down at your empty burrito basket at Chipotle and said, “I’m exploding with beans and cheese” (or some other variation of “I’m stuffed”)? I rest my case.

Ramen

Even though you don’t not have wispy white streams of steam emanating from your face, eating ramen can leave you feeling overheated. And, much like the compartmentalized elements spread throughout its bowl, you too will be “all over the place.” Possible symptoms of being all over the place include runny nose, effed up hair, burnt tongue and watery eyes.

Garlic

Alright, so maybe you don’t look like a papery dollop fit for an Alice in Wonderland reboot (isn’t garlic whimsical looking?), but the invasive side effects of eating garlic will leave you feeling like a you’ve got minced cloves partying in your mouth.

The Double Stuf Oreo

Any person with a sweet tooth understands the feeling of “bleh” after getting carried away with a pack of Double Stuf Oreos. Much like the beloved cookie, you too have become stuffed with a sugary white frosting that is too sweet to bear. Don’t worry, though — you’ll fully recover within the next 90 minutes.

All illustrations provided by author

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