Melanie Schmitz
November 09, 2013 2:00 pm

I don’t know if you heard, but McDonald’s is now offering a Pumpkin Spice Latte, in order to compete with Starbucks. Not to be outdone, Dunkin’ Donuts also started offering a Pumpkin Coffee and even attempted to body slam the competition by releasing a “Red-Velvet Latte”. By drinking this latte, you’re guaranteed to be seen as more sophisticated than everyone else walking out the door of Dunkin’ Donuts in their sweatpants.

Clearly, we’ve been doing coffee wrong for too many centuries. Only recently did I learn that coffee isn’t just a drink, it’s a way to prove to the world just how many Twix bars you can melt down into a cup of grounds before it doesn’t qualify as a beverage anymore. “Creamer?” “No thanks, I prefer butter.”  “Would you like a Mocha Frappuccino?” “Actually, would you mind crushing this chocolate cupcake into a little bit of heavy cream and swirling it around artistically? No foam, please.”

My epiphany happened the other day when I went to order a coffee with milk. The barista called out the mispronounced, male version of my name, so, obviously, I made my way to the counter. On my cup, they had written “Steamed drink, no foam, with whip, 2 pumps caramel”, which I assumed was English for “Coffee, hey no, really this is just coffee”. Turns out it was, indeed, steamed drink, no foam, with whip, 2 pumps caramel after all.

Because I’m a big softie and refuse to upset people with my silly requests (like a paper cup with coffee in it), I went ahead and took a sip. It wasn’t half-bad! So I bought another one the next day. Just a reminder, in this context, when I say “one” I mean 12.

Seriously. Chocolate shakes masquerading as breakfast beverages. Coffee that definitely isn’t coffee. Hot sugar water with apple shavings and some old cinnamon sticks from grandma’s potpourri bowl. What a time to be alive.

I want to know how long it’s going to take before we really catch on and start blending up hot-fudge sundaes and coconut cream pies. “The Mud-Pie Latte! No really! It’s a real pie in a real cup! But it’s hot, so it’s definitely a latte.” I can’t wait.

Just in case you aren’t convinced that the future is NOW, here’s an interesting tidbit: In 1859, 24 rabbits were released in Australia and within six years the population grew to 2 million. That has nothing to do with Coffee, but just think of how many rabbits there must be today, hopping around the Outback.

…What’s your Starbucks guilty pleasure?

Featured image via ShutterStock

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