Lee Ziesche
April 04, 2013 8:00 am

Is your Facebook feed jam packed with WE’RE GETTING MARRIED! statuses, shots of rings you can barely see because people don’t know how to turn off their flashes and engagement photos of the lovely couple’s feet where the bride is wearing cowboy boots for no apparent reason?

Of course it is, because everyone is getting married except you! And me.

When I see all this marriage hoopla, I get a feeling similar to dreaming I have to take a test I didn’t study for or even know about.  Did I miss something?  Should I have been preparing for this? Should I be getting married?

But then I think about it, laugh to myself, and realize there are a lot of reasons I’m not ready to get married.  And I really am laughing to myself because number one on this list should be I’m not even dating anyone.

1. I Can’t Cook

I don’t believe you need Donna Reed, domestic queen skills to be a good, loving wife, but in my head I have this idea of wanting to be able to cook for my husband as a way to cheer him up. It’s a gesture to say ‘I know you had a tough, long day so I made you a pizza, because what frown cannot be turned upside down by a homemade pizza? I love pizza. And I love you. Probably in that order, sorry babe.’

To be fair to myself, it’s not so much that I can’t cook. It’s more I don’t have the patience to cook. I’m always hungry right now, and the idea of taking 30 minutes or an hour to prepare a meal is just too much for me. Right now my existence is sustained on black bean and avocado tacos. If my imaginary hubby has a bad day at work everyday for a week straight, he’d be coming home to a lot of black bean and avocado tacos.

2. I Lack The Proper Worldly Possessions

I own dozens of stolen pint glasses and boxes and boxes of books. That’s about it. Let’s ignore the fact that most of my possessions I’ve drunkenly and illegally taken from bars. It was a college phase that I’ve outgrown. Except I did it this weekend. But, hey, I was in my old college town, so it doesn’t really count, right? It wasn’t a decision I made with all my faculties and morals at their best, so let’s move on.

Anyway, once you get married you’re suppose to do other adult things like have people over for dinner. What am I going to do, invite my husband’s co-workers over, and we all eat tacos out of stolen pint classes while sitting on stacks of books?

3. I Wear Boots With Holes In Them

How can I get married if I go around wearing boots with holes in them? Just imagine what my engagement photos will look like with these ragamuffin boots when it comes time to take the low-angle, lovely couple’s feet picture.  Not cute or classy, I can tell you that.

My mom has begged me to get rid of these boots, but what she doesn’t get is that they’re symbolic of my wayward life style. A life style I’m not ready to give up. I want to feel the ground beneath my feet as I move around from place to place. Which isn’t entirely a metaphor because my boots are that beat up.

It’s not impossible to live the wayward life with a significant other, but it is tricky.  They might not be able to find a job where you want to move, or they could be embarrassed to be seen with you and those boots in public.

4. I Don’t Want To Give Up Girl Talk About Boys

I really enjoy talking to my friends about guys. Mostly because we refer to them with names like the fire fighter, tall boy, or the Canadian.  If we all get married we’re going to have to start using their names, and saying things like oh John didn’t take out the trash. I want anyone eavesdropping on my conversations to always wonder if my friends and I are dating the village people.

5. I Don’t Want A Bed Frame

Right now my mattress is on the floor. No box spring. No bed frame.  I don’t have a good reason. I just like it like that. But I do have this vague notion that the bed is the hearth of the family or something, and should not be so close to the ground.  Maybe it’s because in addition to telling me my boots make me look bad, my mom is also always telling me my mattress is going to get moldy.

P.S. My mom isn’t a mean, nagging mom at all. She’s pretty awesome. She just want’s me to have nice things like boots with no holes and a non-moldy mattress.

6. I’m Pretty Self-Absorbed And Immature Right Now

This whole post could really be titled six signs I’m kind of selfish and immature.  I do responsible adult things like paying bills and working, but really, I know I’m still immature in a lot of ways. Mainly, I’m selfish.

I imagine the best part of being married is having someone who will have unfathomable amounts of coffee ready for me when I wake up, pick up beer on their way home, and whose clothes I can steal as I continually dress more and more like a boy. Those are some pretty selfish reasons to get married.

I’m not always selfish and immature. There are a lot of people I care about and do selfless things for, but my life still resembles an episode of Girls way too much of the time.  Except, instead of hooking up with an ex-junkie neighbor, I generally just drink too much champagne and make out with people I shouldn’t. I am aware and embarrassed that this is pretty much the definition of #whitegirlproblems.

The point is, a big part of getting married is wanting to share your life with someone else.  My life is still pretty haphazard, and most of my problems are results of me acting selfish and immature. I don’t think being selfish is always a bad thing as long as you aren’t hurting others, but it’s a quality that indicates I’m not ready to make a life long commitment to another human being. So no grandma and Facebook, I’m don’t have a boyfriend or plan to get married soon.

Featured image via If The Ring Fits. The rest are mine.

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