Just when you think the extreme caffeine craze had reached its peak, some guy in Dallas, Texas comes along and shatters everything.
Andrew had apparently been planning it for days. His Starbucks Gold card allowed him, after purchasing 12 drinks, to receive a free beverage of any size. But he wasn’t content with just splurging on a caramel mocha. Oh no.
To the dismay of basically everyone on planet Earth, Andrew ordered as his free beverage a 128 oz. Sexagintuple Vanilla Bean Mocha Frappuccino—that’s 48 shots of espresso in one giant, frothy smoothie of chocolate, syrup and blended ice. It would have come to $54.75 after tax.
48 shots. That’s about 4.5 grams of caffeine. A lethal overdose is about 10 grams.
Seeing that most experts highly discourage drinking that much caffeine in one sitting (Andrew only drank a third of it and put it away, slowly consuming it over five days), here are a few safer but still delicious ways to spend 54 bucks:
1. 20 boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Let’s not pretend that it takes us more than a couple days to get through a box of these delicious, cinnamon-dusted treasures. If you’re lazy about cooking (like me), one box would probably last you about a day and a half. Not a fan? You can substitute this with 12 boxes of cardboard—I mean, Fiber One.
2. Crumbs Bakery cupcakes for you and 11 of your friends. Two boxes of assorted cupcakes from the most delicious cupcakery ever? Yes please. If you don’t have access to a Crumbs Bakery, you can get your fill of the good stuff from the famous Magnolia Bakery in New York (made famous on Sex and the City), which offers handpicked assortments starting at $24 for a half dozen, or local favorite Red Velvet Cupcakery in D.C., where you can purchase a dozen for $36 (try the “Key West”… it’s like a slice of heaven in your mouth).
3. Appetizers and cocktails at your favorite cool restaurant with lady pals. Get dressed up, put on those shoes you normally wouldn’t (or trade the heels you normally wear for a pair of cute flat sandals), and head out for a girls’ night. With a plate of appetizers running about seven to ten dollars plus a round of drinks, you’ll be glad you spent the money on a fun evening on the town, rather than putting yourself into a caffeine-induced catatonic state.
4. Take a tour of the Ben & Jerry’s factory in Vermont and treat yourself too, while you’re there. Two adult tour packages cost $20 each (single tickets are $4.00) and include a ticket plus a cute tee-shirt that you can use to make people jealous. Don’t forget to buy a dish of their famous Cookie Dough, Cherry Garcia or their special flavor, Vermonster, which is limited to factory visitors only. Yum!
5. Throw a lunchtime pizza party for yourself and your colleagues, for absolutely no reason. Do you ever need a reason to have a pizza party? I didn’t think so. With gourmet pizza places pricing their pies at around $12- $20, you can splurge on imported toppings or get more for your money. It all depends how much your co-workers have been annoying you lately.
6. Host a wine-tasting party. For those of you who are of legal drinking age and enjoy pretending to be a sommelier, why not spend your cash on a few bottles? They don’t have to be expensive either—you can find plenty of awesome brands at $15 or less. Just be sure to select an assortment of reds and whites and have your friends bring a couple of their preferred vinos if you so desire. Suggested red wines include Pinot Noir, Malbec, and Grenache; for whites, try a Sauvignon Blanc, Riesling and Viognier. Make sure to stick to single varietal wines.
There are plenty of other ways to use that $54 that won’t result in your immediate death from caffeine overdose, so get creative! But please: whatever happens, don’t use the funds to try out the five pound bag of sugar-free Haribo Gummi Bears on Amazon. Or, you know, do. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.