I have a theory that if you put a bionic, fire-breathing, torpedo-shooting dragon in the same room as a hangry human, the dragon would slip a white flag under the arena doors before the match could even start. Dealing with hangry humans are not worth the trouble. Hangry, or “hungry and angry” or “angry due to hunger,” is a relatively new term that began circulating the Internet right around the time that college students learned “not all meal plans are created equal.” The phenomenon is known to cause sudden fits of rage, annoyance, and mass migrations to the nearest diner serving comfort food. If you think you’re developing this crippling condition, try to put your feelings into words. Here are some suggestions:
1. Holozoic (adj.): feeding on solid food particles in the manner of most animals
Example: “Jimmy was so hangry yesterday, he started slurping corn pellets off the kitchen floor. He was positively holozoic!”
In an effort to avoid offending my animal readers, I will admit that, when my brother dresses my dog up in his polo and khakis and puts him at the dinner table, he can be pretty humane, so there are some exceptions to the negative stereotype given to animals when it comes to food. In general, though, animals are not the most civil eaters and they are certainly not to be mimicked at suppertime. Hangry people, though, tend to revert to their animalistic instincts after a certain point, which is something to look out for if you ever encounter a teenager who missed breakfast.
2. Borborygmus (n.): a rumbling or gurgling sound caused by the movement of gas in the intestines
Example: “That wasn’t a pack of growling dogs just now. That was just my stomach’s borborygmus.”
Also known as “that noise that thunders through the air right when your professor stops talking,” borborygmus is just another, fancy way of saying “stomach grumble.” (Pronunciation guide: boar-ba-rig-ga-mus. You’re welcome.) If you want to trick your friends, tell them you’ve been deemed king or queen by the Law of Borborygmus, and demand that they do your bidding for the rest of the day. (It sounds so fake, they’ll assume that it must be real.) Or, simply explain that your borborygmus is the warning sign that your reign of hangry terror is about to begin, and they’ll probably take the hint.
3. Groak (v.): to watch people silently while they’re eating, in the hopes that they will ask you to join them
Example: “There was this groaker at dinner last night who spent the whole two hours staring at my ravioli. It was really unsettling.”
There’s hungry and then there’s breathing-over-someone’s-shoulder-while-they’re-eating-spaghetti hungry. The second category can quickly transform into “hangry” given the right circumstances, which can lead to you groaking in public with people you don’t know. When you hear, “Mommy, what is that woman doing staring at my French fries?” you should probably leave, before you do something you regret.
4. Stomachous (adj.): obstinate; angry
Example: “Hulk stomachous. Hulk very stomachous.”
You can’t spell “stomachous” without “stomach,” which is the only reason why I’m including it in this list. (Honesty is the best policy.) This means that, when your tummy starts blasting off borborygmi (see, this vocab is already coming in handy), you can rightfully announce to your friends and nearby groakers: “My stomach is stomachous so I will be needing my food shortly, or else.”
5. Grandgousier (n.): person who will eat anything and everything
Example: “Don’t leave your laptop out. My daughter is a grandgousier. She’ll devour it whole.”
Desperate times call for desperate measures. That’s the hangry person’s motto. When your desire for food reaches a critical point, you run the risk of transforming into a grandgousier, who will eat anything he or she comes in contact with.
To the constantly hangry citizens of the world: what words best describe your hungry-angry state?
(Featured image via)